Translating His Texts: What Each Of His Messages Really Mean
By Patrick Ryan
In the infancy of a relationship, when you’re still feeling each other out on virtually every level, the language barrier between the male and female brains forces you to analyze your every interaction. In this stage, almost everything said really means something else; so here are some common text messages a man will send a woman, what she thinks he means, and what he actually means.
He says: “Just curious, are you on birth control?”
She thinks: “Oh my God he came in me.”
He means: “I’m pretty sure I pulled out in time but not plan-B-isn’t-worth-fifty-bucks sure.”
He says: “On my way.”
She thinks: “He’s going to be here soon.”
He means: “I’m on my computer in a towel.”
He says: “You’re great”
She thinks: “Vague, but I guess it’s better than not being great.”
He means: “I think you’re great the way free samples at the grocery store are great. You’re fine for now, but before long I’m going to need something more.”
He says: “I know this is awkward but I’m just wondering, have you ever been tested?”
She thinks: “That is awkward. But I guess it’s good that he’s cautious.”
He means: “I have this itch, and I think you gave it to me.”
He says: “We should go to a karaoke bar this weekend.”
She thinks: “Fun! OMG I am so going to sing Journey”
He means: “I’m getting the feeling that you would sing Don’t Stop Believin’ as if it’s rare to know all the words. I want to be sure because I can’t be with someone that dull.”
He says: “Sorry I was in the shower.”
She thinks: “What guy takes hour long showers?”
He means: “I was watching porn on my phone.”
He says: “Tonight was fun”
She thinks: “I had fun too”
He means: “I’m punching my steering wheel in frustration because I didn’t make a move.”
He says: “Can I call you?”
She thinks: “Hmm he must be driving.”
He means: “I hooked up with my ex last night and want to attempt to justify it over the phone.”