July 28, 2016

When I Think About Her Being In Your Bed

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Helga Weber
Helga Weber

When I think about her being in your bed, there is more than a tug of heartstrings. The red sheets that once wrapped around my naked body are now used to cover hers. Beneath those sheets, you’re probably holding her the same way you held me, caressing her the same way you did to me once, gently with your large, warm hands.

When I think about her being in your bed, I wonder how you could love someone one day and then decide to stop loving them the next.

I wonder how your heart could change so fast, as if I didn’t matter at all, as if I didn’t exist at all. As if you have never loved me at all, which is probably true.

When I think about her being in your bed, I realize that I’m here in my own bed all by myself. She’s probably feeling safe in your embrace and your aura of surety. As each second passes being in your arms, she’s probably falling in love with you little by little. One day, that will accumulate and fill up her entire heart, and then you’ll break her, just like how you broke me. Or maybe she’ll be the lucky one who you realize you truly love. I want to be happy for you and your own happy ending, but I can’t and I’m not sorry for that.

When I think about her being in your bed, I wish I could be her, because I miss everything about you. I miss your gentle, yet eager kisses, your strong arms around my body, your deep and resonating voice, your reassuring and calming words.

I just miss you.

I know I told myself that I’ll be strong, that I’ll love myself above all else, that I’m all that I need. But the truth is, when 2AM rolls around and I find my over-intoxicated self thinking about you and how you’re in your bed with her while I’m alone, I have no words.

None.

When I think about her being in your bed, I realize I finally dared to confront the fact that she has replaced me, that you are not what I hoped you would be. I realize I am lucky to get away from you. Sure, it was an emotionally-wrecking challenge for me, but one which I grew from.

I will still miss you at the most random times, when I’m out being happy with my friends, when I’m alone word-vomiting everything I still have in my heart about you onto paper, when I’m watching cartoons and eating ice-cream and drinking wine.

But at least now I know that you led her into your bed, and that tells me everything I need to know. TC mark

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