The roommate said…AHEM…”after she broke up with you she moved in with a guy who lived in a shack.” How do you know you’ve won a breakup? When within 90 days your ex is without running water or indoor plumbing. When her mailing address becomes “Next To The Big Oak Tree With The Knot In It.”
Even though high-fives are clearly the worst, people still insist on touching their palm with someone else’s palm. Whenever anyone tries to do it to me though, I pretend to go Stevie Wonder on them, or I just say no. Sure, it’ll be really weird for a second. You’ll watch their enthusiastic smile deflate like a balloon and quickly put the rejected hand in their pocket, but it’s worth it.
nOOkist’s “statistics” “show hard, raw numbers… about your sexual lifestyle and what it will take to make a difference in your life.” And in your “session log,” you can even record the position(s) in which you had sex! And they want your former sexual partners contact information. What an awesome, stoic, intelligent idea for a website.
You know how you write something and edit it and edit it and edit it and you think it sounds great and really sings and sounds smart and poetic? Well, it most likely isn’t as good as what Lish does when he’s just talking and winging it.
Basically you just wasted a whole day on that one apartment. Call your parents. Tell them getting an apartment is like trying to get accepted to Harvard. Ask them—plead— can you just buy me a place? Forget it. Call your best friend Max, tell him what happened. He’s like, Bro, you gotta use a broker.