I wanted to communicate how great I was. They needed to know that I was the most special, the most interesting person. I was maybe eight years old.
A few months ago, I was about to bite into this delicious bagel when, all of a sudden, I lost control of my grip and the bagel fell on the sidewalk. My first instinct was to scream and cry but I resisted because I’M A LADY. Instead, I looked around to see if anyone could see me and then scooped it right up from the dirty sidewalk.
If you’re an atheist, you might’ve read that quote and immediately thought of radical Christianity, Islam, you name it. Maybe you thought of the Tea Party or Birthers or the far, far left. But what are your strongest beliefs?
And liquid eyeliner — what absurd witchcraft is that? Whenever I see a girl who has that perfect, delicate cat-eye with the little flick up at the end, perfectly symmetrical on both sides — I want to steal her hand-eye coordination the way Usula stole Ariel’s voice.