The idea of being in love makes your heart beat a little faster. It drives you mad. It makes you say ridiculous things, do things out of the norm, and makes your brain get flustered. Your hormones are at an all-time high. You will find yourself making your happiness dependent on the other person. This is possibly the worst thing you could ever do to yourself. You will find yourself laughing, crying and frustrated—and if you’re not talking to that certain someone you begin to feel worried. Does he not like me anymore? Or who else could he possibly be talking to? Is he with another girl?
You start to overthink and analyze. You have never felt like this before, so all of a sudden you are becoming this senseless and irrational woman who doesn’t even know why she is worrying about this.
Having a crush isn’t what it used to be. You need to be ready to play a game of epic strategy. You’re going to be in a battle field, and the one that falls first loses. You are expected to ‘act smart’ and ‘interesting’ but not too interesting because you’ve got to leave a little to their imagination. You have to constantly be ‘busy’ or ‘out of reach’. You have a certain amount of time you have to wait before even thinking about replying to their message. But are you even allowed to use emoji’s? You start to become this person that you aren’t. You’re now pretending to like what they like because you feel that will make them fall for you more. It will make you seem more attractive. Every. Single. Word has to be properly analyzed and your best friend needs to proof read before pressing send.
It’s exhausting and to be honest it’s fucking stupid. I don’t want to play games and quite honestly I can’t be bothered keeping up with the lies and silly persona that you’re supposed to put on.
So, you’ve gone through the bullshit and you’re finally with this guy. In person. Together. Not as boyfriend/girlfriend yet, but you both seem to (maybe) like each other and this is it. He is rough around the edges, always eats takeout food and loves to smoke. He is sweet but just enough to keep you intrigued. He plays records that you don’t even know and listens to music you hate. First impression is ‘he’s my type, but not someone I would take home to my dad’. You go back because there’s something about him that makes what you’re doing feel wrong but the thrill feels so right.
That’s it. You’ve lost. You are head over heels for him and you cannot seem to get him out of your head. But of course, he can’t know this. He can’t know you’ve fallen first.
You eventually discover a relationship is not what he intended and you were playing a game without knowing you had lost before it even started.
This isn’t my failed attempt to fall in love. I watched a friend I adore go through this pain. I was there through all of it. I was there when she met him, I was there on the phone listening how their first date went, and I was there when she tried to convince herself she didn’t like him. I watched her cry, I watched her analyze her messages. I was the one proof reading making sure she was saying the “right thing.” I was excited for her. She was someone who never let anyone in and when she finally did, the experience broke her. She lost all self-confidence she ever had. You only had to look at her the wrong way and she would feel like she wasn’t good enough. BUT SHE IS. She is good enough. When are we going to learn that what other people think we are doesn’t determine who we are?
Wearing your heart on your sleeve isn’t easy. Being let down and mentally neglected is tough to bounce back from, and from a best friend perspective, she still isn’t fully healed. I wish that eating donuts and ice cream and having the best girly nights ever could fix her broken heart, but most of all her dignity.
Sometimes you just have so much love to give and no one to give it too. Hold on to it – the right person will come (at least that’s what people tell me) and you’ll be glad you didn’t give it out so freely. Be yourself 100% of the time and baby, anyone will fall for you.