What I Imagine Game Of Thrones Is Like Without Ever Having Seen It
–SCENE: The outskirts of a stark foreboding castle on the edge of some mythical British-seeming land–
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Dwarf: Hello… I’m a dwarf… king.
Hot girl: Avast! I sense that you are in league with the Northlanders!
Guy with lots of vowels in his name: Hello. My name is Dacérynâl Cändleflue. That’s a lot of vowels!
Dwarf: Aye. Indeed it is.
Girl: Verily. It sounds sort of Welsh, but like… fake Welsh.
Guy: Are there dragons in this?
Girl: I don’t know.
Guy: That’d be cool… if there were dragons.
Dwarf: By my troth! I sense that you… Dacérynâl Cändleflue… are in league with the Northlanders!
Guy: Who are the Northlanders?
Girl: Bad guys, probably?
Dwarf: Fuck this show is complicated.
Girl: That’s why people like it.
Guy: Aye.
Girl: Avast! An interloper!
(Another hot girl arrives.)
New Girl: Hello! Here are my breasts!
(She disrobes.)
Girl: …And that’s the other reason that people like it.
(A dragon arrives.)
Dragon: ..I’m not sure that I’m in this scene.
Guy: You’re probably not.
New Girl: We’re unsure.
(…The dragon flaps off.)
New Girl: So ANY-way…
Dwarf (glaring at her breasts): By the rood! How uncouth! Cover yourself, vile strumpet, or I shall slay you with my Sword of Bleedening!
New Girl: Jesus.
(She covers herself. A peasant arrives.)
Peasant: You guys! I have woeful tidings of the Northlanders. …Woeful tidings, which, alas, pass faster than thought, wingéd thought!
Guy: What ho, of the Northlanders?
New Girl: I’m taking my shirt off again.
Everyone: Fii-iiine!
(She does so.)
Dwarf: Alas; a woman’s nudity, which lays bare to all. As indeed all is in time laid bare. Bare; bare as this game which we all so ruefully play. …This game… of thrones.
Peasant: So this is sort of like ‘Dungeons & Dragons,’ but with tits?
Girl: Probably.
Dwarf: …Hark; who among us can say for sure, in this game that we all so wontonly toy at. This game… of thrones.
(An elf or something arrives.)
Elf or something: You guys! Terrible news!
Guy: What ho, Outlander?
Elf: I hear that we all died or something! In something called a “Red Wedding”?
New Girl: Um, hello?
Girl: …Um… SPOILERS?!
Guy: …So we’re all dead right now?
Elf: Probably!
Everyone: AAAAAAHHHHH!
(The dragon flaps in for a second, sees what is going on, and leaves.)
Everyone: …AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
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–End Scene–
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Coming next: What I’m guessing that show ‘Girls’ is like.