Reasons Why I Wish You Would Step Back From That Ledge, My Friend
- Because maybe then you could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in.
- Because we have tickets for the 12:20 showing of Dark Knight Rises and we have to hurry because I hear it sucks.
- Because I have a fear of heights and it’s making me nauseous just watching you on the ledge.
- Because it’s my ledge. I was there first.
- Because we’re starting work on a smaller, secondary ledge below the original ledge, so you need to move. The builders will be here soon.
- Because who jumps off a ledge? They’re not even sure if you black out before you hit the ground or if you’re conscious the whole way down and have you even considered that? No, you haven’t.
- Because I’ve got some nice oxycontin, whiskey, warm milk, and sleeping pills back at my place if you’re really going to go through with this whole suicide thing-y. …Oh, like your life is soo-ooo hard, jeez. What, ’cause you and Mary broke up again? Is that what this is all about?
- Because this is really not the right day for you to be standing on a ledge with everyone staring at you and stuff. Have you looked at what you’re wearing? I hate to be the one to tell you, but you look awful. I know that you’re trying to pull off the whole “retro preppy” thing but it’s not working.
- Because it’s an unstable ledge and it might crumble halfway through your final dramatic speech to the world, and awkwa-aard.
- That ledge? There’s a trampoline under it.
- Look. Just get off the damn ledge, mm-kay?
- Because don’t make me come out there, that’s why.
- Because YA YA YA YA YA, can you put the past awa-aaaay?
- Ledges are not even in this season, dude.
- Because Stephen Jenkins, lead singer of Third Eye Blind, is off his meds again and is ranting about how he was “alternative before ‘alternative’ was alternative,” and I need you to come with me to find him and put him back in his poorhouse/ mental asylum.
- Because the ledge has pigeon crap all over it and you’re going to get some dreadful pigeon-borne virus.
- Because they might make a new Batman movie that doesn’t suck one day, and you want to be alive for that, don’t you?
- Because Obama needs you.
- Because the 2012 London Olympics! There’s that huge rivalry between that one swimmer and the other swimmer that no one has heard of.
- Because if everyone went and stood on a ledge, would you go and stand on a ledge too? …What? Yes, I realize that that one made no sense in this context.
- Because I’ve got a present for you! Right here, in the balled fist that I’m making! No, I’m not going to unball my fist until you come off the damn ledge.
- Because your mom’s calling on the phone right now! …Yeah, that wouldn’t make me come off the ledge either.
- Because “Semi-Charmed Life” was a way better song?
- Because if you really want to commit suicide in this day and age, you can just commit social suicide on Twitter. So just come back inside and we’ll type up something racist or something.
- Because your barn door is open. …No, seriously. X Y Z.
- Because YOLO.
- Because Tao Lin has a new 5,000 word interview up! Don’t you want to read it all-llll? Can I come and join you out there on the ledge?
- Because a dumb idiot says what?
- Because what if you jump and land on a really fat person so you’re cushioned but you seriously injure the fat person. Then everyone will hate you.
- Because what if you jump and you land on a stray kitten? Then everyone would really hate you, even though you’re still dead in that one.
- Because everyone’s got to face down the de-eeemons. Maybe today! We can put the past away!
- Because we’re all out of toilet paper and it’s your turn, dude. I’m sick of doing this every week.
- Because I’m writing this humor article with jokes about a song from 1998 and I need your help finishing it. I need like one last joke? Can you think of one? …Damn.
image – Man on a Ledge
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It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.