The Dark Knight Rises Is Evil Pro-Obama Propaganda Or Something
As you may have heard, the new Christopher Nolan Batman movie will be coming out this Friday. It will be a good movie, probably. Or maybe it will suck. It’s hard to say, since no one has really seen it yet, except for professional movie reviewers.
However, this minor fact — no one having seen it yet and such — has not prevented Batman fans from sending death threats to reviewers who didn’t like the movie, which… that’s just fantastic; great, yay. …And so, one fan who didn’t like a negative review of a movie that he hasn’t seen yet boldly went ahead and suggested that the reviewer should be beaten “with a thick rubber hose into a coma.” On the other hand, another more placid fanboy merely suggested that the reviewer should “die in a fire” — which seems more modest, plus you can make that sort of thing look like an accident; so, good thinking, enraged fanboy. Good thinking indeed.
…Another person who has not seen The Dark Knight Rises is Rush Limbaugh. In addition to not having seen it, he also seems to not be sure what the title of the movie is, or whether it has dragons in it or what. These minor gaps in knowledge, however, have not prevented Rush Limbaugh from Dishing Out Some Truth, and Letting Us All Know What the Movie Is Really About. See, it turns out that The Dark Knight Rises is really pro-Obama, pro-liberal propaganda.
And Rush has some very solid evidence that the Dark Knight movie is pro-Obama, that evidence being words. Words that sound like other words:
Have you heard this new movie, the Batman movie, what is it, The Dark Knight Lights Up or whatever the name is. That’s right, Dark Knight Rises, Lights Up, same thing. Do you know the name of the villain in this movie? Bane. The villain in The Dark Knight Rises is named Bane, B-a-n-e. What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran and around which there’s now this make-believe controversy? Bain. The movie has been in the works for a long time. The release date’s been known, summer 2012 for a long time. Do you think that it is accidental that the name of the really vicious fire-breathing four-eyed whatever-it-is villain in this movie is named Bain?
…That was Rush Limbaugh on his Monday radio show, displaying all the intellectual rigor that the conservative movement has become known for. Bain, B-a-n-e, Rises, Lights Up, whatever, same thing. So there you go. The movie is pro-Obama propaganda, sorry to Lay Some Truth on You like that, America.
But wait, there’s more. “A lot of people are gonna see the movie, and it’s a lot of brain-dead people — entertainment, the pop culture crowd — and they’re gonna hear ‘Bane’ in the movie and they’re gonna associate ‘Bain’,” Limbaugh said, displaying the kind of logical reasoning skills usually reserved for schizophrenics confined to mental asylums. The radio host then continued to speak, combining nouns, verbs, and prepositions in order to form still yet further sentences: “And the thought is that when they start paying attention to the campaign later in the year, and Obama and the Democrats keep talking about Bain, not Bain Capital, but Bain, Romney and Bain, that these people will think back to the Batman movie.”
Rush then went on to make the crucial everything-is-Obama’s-fault final connection. “You may think it’s ridiculous, I’m just telling you this is the kind of stuff the Obama team is lining up,” he said, using his vast inside knowledge of Obama and of movies that he doesn’t really know the titles of, although it’s possible that Limbaugh was displaying the famous “Limbaugh wit” by calling it The Dark Knight Lights Up like that.
So; fascinating stuff. Pro-Obama propaganda! Who knew? Of course, a minor issue with Rush’s theory is that the character “Bane” was created in 1993, slightly before Obama was a thing, which means that the creator would have had to have known 19 years in advance that he was naming something “Bane” in order to help out Obama who didn’t exist yet either. Although since Obama is an embedded Kenyan splinter-cell terrorist who is part of a plan that his parents put into action back in the 1960s, it’s clear that liberals have longstanding evil schemes, because liberals are masterful evil all-powerful plotters who are also totally weak and incompetent and incapable of doing anything right — again, according to Rush Limbaugh.
And also of course, even a cursory viewing of one of the movie’s many trailers or a cursory understanding of who “Batman” is would add more wrinkles to Limbaugh’s theory. Such as the fact that “Bane” is presented as a crazed anti-capitalist terrorist, which makes him… not a good metaphor for Mitt Romney (unless you’re being super deep and making the argument that Romney and his ilk are destroying capitalism by embracing it; whoa, heavy). …Or the fact that Bane already appeared in a movie in 1997, when Mitt Romney was not yet a thing. Or every other fact in existence, like the fact that the movie was written more than a year ago, and was directed, shot, and edited — and thus already existed — long before the Bain Capital scandal began, etc., etc., etc.
But then, also also, of course, of course, understanding any of this would require actual seconds of thought and/or research, valuable seconds Rush Limbaugh does not have to spare, because if he stops yammering for a single second, his brain will flood with oxygen and he will die.
And so anyway, in conclusion, f-ck it. …It’s summertime. It’s hot out; too hot to argue. Let’s all just try to get along. And so, let’s all agree to all agree that The Dark Knight Rises is pro-Obama propaganda that is also the best movie ever or we will beat you into a coma with rubber hoses as you die in a fire. Good times. Ah, summertime. Ah, movie-going. Ah… America.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”