POLL: Who Would You Rather Bang — Hemingway or Fitzgerald?
Before I start this article, I’d just like to say something really quickly — no homo. Okay, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, we can start the actual article.
Not that I don’t support the gays in the… gay things that they do. But this column is meant as a companion piece to my earlier “Sylvia Plath or Anne Sexton — Who Would You Rather Fuck?” article. So consider this to be a little something for the ladiez. (You are welcome, ladiez.) Also, in order to write this article, I had to repress my considerable hatred for Ernest Hemingway (as a person, not as a writer; he’s an okay writer). So, you are also welcome for that. Now let’s begin the actual article.
FITZGERALD OR HEMINGWAY — WHO WOULD YOU RATHER FUCK?
D.O.B: July 21, 1899
Place of birth: Oak Park, Illinois
Cause of death: Committed suicide via shotgun, in 1961. Hemingway died in his house in Idaho, of all places. He killed himself because he was suffering from writer’s block and believed that he wouldn’t be able to write anymore. He had previously tried to commit suicide by walking into the spinning propeller of an airplane. His wife knew that he was suicidal, but left him alone with a shotgun, because she believed that “a man should have a gun.”
…Did he like to party?: Yes, he liked to party.
Favorite drink: Daiquiris, which is surprisingly pussy-ish for a “man’s man” like Hemingway. However, at the time, daiquiris were a new drink, just recently introduced from Cuba, so this is the equivalent of Hemingway being really into mojitos or the latest trendy martini o’ the month.
Fun facts about Ernest Hemingway: Pretty much every fact about Ernest Hemingway is a “fun fact.” He volunteered for service in World War I and was wounded on the Italian front, then fell in love with his nurse. Later on, he boxed, hunted big game, was a war correspondent during World War II, and survived a plane crash in Africa. And also — oh yeah — he got married six times.
But did he have a big penis?: Yeah, probably. Unless he was lying and overcompensating with all the wars, hunting, and boxing and shit. After Fitzgerald was dead, Hemingway wrote a memoir in which he yapped about how Fitzgerald had a small penis, and then talked about how he — Mr. Big Cock Hemingway — reassured him about this. Of course, Hemingway waited until Scottie was dead to write this — which is kind of a dick move, so to speak.
Was he an asshole?: Oh, yeah. Such an asshole. Fitzgerald was the older and more famous writer, and essentially jump-started Hemingway’s career for him. Hemingway repaid Scottie by being an asshole to him for the rest of his life. On the other hand, some girls like jerks, so this might be an inducement for banging him. To quote the movie The Last Days of Disco: “Women prefer ‘bad’… to weak and incompetent.”
What was his best book?: The Sun Also Rises, which coined the phrase “The Lost Generation,” which was sort of the “Generation X” of its day. This was his first novel. It also happened to be the only novel where Hemingway bothered to create an actual three-dimensional female character: after this, he reverted to two-dimensional chicks whose job was to stand around and yap about how hot and awesome and manly Hemingway’s main character was. …But then again, girls do like jerks — so, um, see above.
What’s a famous quote by Hemingway?: “A man can be destroyed but not defeated.” …Which is a classic Hemingway quote, given that all his books are about men… man. All his books are also about dudes struggling against impossible odds: struggling against a hopeless war, or to catch a gigantic fish, and so on and so forth. …Note also that this quote is borderline incomprehensible and meaningless. …A man can be destroyed but not defeated. Okay then. But you could reverse “destroyed” and “defeated,” and the quote would still pretty much be the same. Does this quote mean anything? Nothing? Something? It sort of means something but it’s dangerously close to meaning nothing.
What kind of lover would he be?: Well, as I mentioned, Hemingway was married six times — which either means that he was a super-stud, or that he was unbearable to be around. Also, based on reading his biography, I know this horrifying fact about Hemingway — he didn’t “believe” in masturbation, and refused to do it. So he had a lot of pent-up energy to put into sex. Anyway, as we have seen, Hemingway liked to travel. So he’d probably be the kind of dude who would take you on an exciting plane trip to some amazing restaurant in, say, Barcelona, one that only the locals had ever heard of. You’d eat an amazing meal, and then you’d have to sit around while he smoked cigars and talked about what a big lasagna he was. Then he’d take you back to the hotel for some retro-style, silence-slash-grunting-style sex. …So: good times? Bad times?
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It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.