Thought Catalog
April 27, 2011

BREAKING NEWS: Our President Is Probably Not a Kenyan Splinter-Cell Terrorist

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Today, President Barack Hussein Obama released his long-form birth certificate. This binding legal document proves, once and for all, that our President was born in America, and not in Kenya or Indonesia.

Other places where our President was not born include the following: Soviet Russia, France, Switzerland, Freedonia, Shangri-La, and the lost continent of Atlantis. This birth certificate also proves, once and for all, that Barack Obama is not the last survivor of a doomed planet named Krypton, placed in a tiny spaceship by his scientist father just seconds before that planet’s red sun exploded. …Which is kind of a bummer, because that last one would have been awesome.

Apparently, we have Donald Trump to thank for all this, which is already a bad sign. Anytime someone starts a sentence with the words “We have Donald Trump to thank for this,” you should start screeching wildly, wave your hands in the air, and start backing slowly towards the door. “…Donald Trump is responsible for this? Ohnothankyouthen.”

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So now that this legal document has been released, the whole “Birther” debate can come to an end, and we can finally return to talking about actual important issues, like the three wars that we’re involved in, and the economy, and — oh Jesus Christ, I’m just kidding, you guys. We’ll die before we have a conversation about the economy. I myself would rather die before ever talking about it, and I’m a supposedly smart person with a master’s degree in something or other. Someone in the room starts talking about the economy and I’m like, “Hey didn’t LaLohan get arrested again?” And then the other person is like, “Interest rates, the Fed...” and I’m like, “Yes, those are indeed both things where I don’t know what they are.”

I’m part of the problem; I’m not part of the solution. But then again, so are you.

Listen. We’re never going to talk about the economy or anything else that’s important because of course we won’t. The best possible outcome of this “long-form” birth certificate thing — and remember, this is the best possible outcome — is that we have now freed up more time in the news cycle for the next time that Charlie Sheen says something. Or for when Lindsay Lohan inevitably breaks out of jail and goes on a multi-state killing spree — now we’ll have more time to talk about that. Or for discussing that royal wedding that even people in England don’t seem to care about that much — we get 5% more time for a discussion of that.

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…And this won’t end “Birtherism,” are you kidding me? What, so Obama actually released an even longer form of his birth certificate. So what? The “Birther” movement won’t end, and here’s why:

  1. Glenn Beck hasn’t issued a ruling on the legitimacy of this yet, and without Mr. Beck, how can we possibly know what’s true and what’s not?
  2. The Birthers will now move on to scrutinizing the kerning on the fonts of the birth certificate and declare that the whole thing is a forgery, duh.
  3. Isn’t the whole birth certificate sketchy anyway? It says that Obama’s mother’s name is “Stanley” — WTF with that? And also it says that Obama was born in a place named “Hawaii.” Come on. Hawaii is the most half-assed of states, everyone knows that. It’s not really a state. Hawaii is a vacation destination, or the place that you pretend that you’re going to go to college in, but then somehow, you never quite get around to doing that for some reason. “Hey, I could go to the University of Hawaii, and spend every day on the beach” — but then you get distracted and end up going to Ohio State instead. …And anyway, everyone knows that islands shouldn’t be states — except for the somewhat mysteriously named “Rhode Island.” Hawaii doesn’t count as part of America; it should be a U.S. protectorate like Guam or one of those other places. …But nice try, Mr. Barack Hussein Obama!

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Listen; the Birther movement has a specific goal. That goal is not just to hate Obama, or to criticize everything that he does, or to work to insure that he doesn’t get reelected. No, the goal of the Birther movement is to make Obama’s presidency as if it had never been. “Obama sucks, but that doesn’t matter, because he was never legally President in the first place.”

The Birthers want to be like Superman in, well, the movie Superman. Or like Superman in the “director’s cut” of Superman II. They want to fly back in time and fix everything the way it should have been. They want nothing less than to undo the entire presidency of Barack Hussein Obama. The real goal of the Birther movement is to flip back the clock, to remove the black dude from the White House, and to take us back to the magical day of November 3, 2008 — when life was good, the economy was booming, and all Americans were united in harmonious love for our great leader, George W. Bush. …And doesn’t that sound like a noble goal? …Doesn’t it?

The Birthers are like Gatsby in “The Great Gatsby.” The Birthers glance around warily at this strange new world that they find themselves in — and they don’t like it. And so they’re going to fix it all.

Nothing will stop the Birthers, and so we’d be better off just ignoring them and paying more attention to Charlie Sheen. Because they’re trying to fix the past, and that’s a useless goal, and it’s useless to pay attention to someone who has that goal in mind. Like the Great Gatsby, the Birthers believe in a different type of future than the rest of us do. They believe in an imaginary future where only Republicans ever get elected; they believe there’s no way that a black guy could ever get elected president. …Yes, the Birthers believe in an orgastic future that year by year recedes before them. It eludes them now, but that’s no matter — tomorrow they will run faster, stretch out their arms farther…. And one fine morning ——

And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past. TC mark

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