Thought Catalog
March 14, 2017

You Don’t Have To Do Anything Different To Find A Boyfriend

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What is the issue?
Unsplash / Guillaume Bolduc

It was 8pm and I was sitting on my bed. Alone. Even my phone, usually flashing with notifications from all social media, failed to trick me into the illusion of company. Then the first tear dropped as I started to feel the most ‘single’ I have ever felt in my entire life.

How dramatic, right? With so many actually painful events coming into our lives, why on earth would I cry over something so simple as just not currently dating? Why would I moan about being free of all relationship stress and the independency to do exactly what I want?

Of course, your single times might as well be happy and exciting. Solo traveling, joining clubs, growing skills, discovering new passions, making an awful lot of friends….

But sometimes it is very easy for the negative thoughts to push any advantages of single life into this dark void of loneliness and self-pity.

There is the persistent feeling of missing something. Of being unable to magically attract a wonderful person. There is an intense need for human touch. Simply said, you do need a good box of tissues here and there.

But that is of course natural, unavoidable. Just like the need for food comes after not eating, it is the same with lacking intimate connections for a while. We are programmed that way in order to survive. The problem is, that is not the story we usually tell ourselves when being single.

Sometimes we think that to admit you are lonely is to admit that you are a failure, that you must be repulsing other people. And us humans, we are clever beings. We want to find a solution to that. We jump from such assumptions into an action plan to feel a bit happier. A bit more hopeful. But that is often the very thing that brings us down, while the simple truth is:

You don’t actually have to do anything.

Of course, I do not want here to inspire a new movement of proud couch potatoes and pro-procrastinators. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in doing stuff. What I’m saying here is — simply don’t relate any of what you decide to do with yourself to your potential love life.

The actions we sign up for might be losing weight, experimenting with make-up, or dressing up a little fancier so that you get noticed in that bar. It might as well be the more of the inner works on self-esteem or fears of commitment. Very easily, it sometimes happens to be the you need to learn to love yourself first trap we fall into.

The problems with these little self-improvement projects is that they are telling us one thing — there is a condition you should meet in order to get out of your single status. And that is, ladies and gentlemen, utter bullshit.

What gets you out of your single status is nothing but chance. In various ways you can make that chance grow, but unless you agree to an arranged marriage, there is nothing you can do that will guarantee you success.

As depressive as it sounds at first, by fully realizing and accepting this, a lot of pressure should be taken off your shoulders.

Look at your friends who are in happy relationships, do they really need what you think you need to be where they are? If you need to change your negative thinking to finally make guys fall for you, how come this girl managed to find a boyfriend by being such a grumpy person?

You really don’t need to smile more, be more friendly, approachable or open to new things. As long as you don’t refuse to speak to anyone on this planet, the way you change does not really attract more people. It only attracts different people.

There is of course no doubt that loving yourself is important and does influence all your relationships in a very positive way, but my message here is that it simply does not conjure a new one.

Whatever you want to work on, always make sure it is for you to live a better life and not to appeal to others.

So yes, be active, conquer your fears, and keep exploring yourself… for yourself! Have a fantastic time doing the things you love and grow exactly where you feel it right at the time.

And while doing all that, try to let go of control over your relationship status, it makes the wait much easier. TC mark 

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