Thought Catalog
January 4, 2017

Here’s What Men Are Really Afraid Of In Regards To Relationships (And It’s Not Commitment)

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What is the issue?
Shaun Menary / Lightstock
Shaun Menary / Lightstock

Men are not actually afraid of commitment, they are afraid of something else.

Men require intimacy and emotional connection, much more than women. They are conditioned to suppress their feelings, and their girlfriends are often the only way they can get in touch with those parts of themselves. While men may fall in love rarely, they fall harder and faster than women. Sure, men can be little hoes and fuckboys too, but once a man’s heart is broken, it takes much longer to heal than that of a woman.

If a man tells you he is afraid of commitment, or if he broke up with you without any closure, it’s easy to label him as a commitment phobe or an asshole. The truth may be that he is actually not that into you, and while this is a hard pill to swallow, you should accept it. I know you want to be the one special girl who saves his effed up heart and changes him for good, but assume that you are the rule and not the exception. People only change by themselves when they are ready and convinced of it by their own experiences.

Women assume that their boyfriends or almost-boyfriends are the men that they will eventually marry. Sometimes men do fall in love, but usually they just get laid for awhile. Men will have sex with anyone as long as they can, and so they will sleep with women below their league. Don’t be delusional and fool yourself into thinking that he had commitment problems. He just didn’t like you enough to commit to you.

In the second instance, if you felt a strong mutual connection but it still didn’t work out, chances are that you both could have been something great, but he was too immature to handle it. Maybe he was cheated on by his ex, and was afraid of falling in love again (You should let him go, you are not a rebound). Maybe he thought being a little shithead would make you want him more. (If that did make you chase him then you’re immature as well, and you’ll both probably deserve the confusion of heartache) Maybe he’s so used to being an asshole, he doesn’t realize that the problem is not external, but within.

You see, men like that, they think that the problem is you, or their freedom, or their job or anything else, but it’s not. The problem is with him and him and him.

Men are only afraid of their freedom, if you make them the center of the entire universe, and the sole reason for your happiness. If you have healthy boundaries, your own interests, and good self-esteem, then it is not his freedom that he is afraid of losing. After all, adventures are much more fun when shared with someone special.

Such men are deathly afraid of stopping the chase. They fear finding out that the person they’re with may not be perfect, because it reveals the imperfections in themselves as well. True intimacy is hard work and they’re afraid of the skeletons they might discover in their own closet. Such men may believe they want a real relationship, but only put in five percent of the effort rather than the full 50 or even more, and foolishly expect something fulfilling and satisfying.

They’re waiting for the one who is good enough for them, but no one will ever be. The magical void they’re hoping to fill will be empty no matter which girl they’re with. This is because the only person who can fill this vacuum is himself. A man who does not respect women cannot respect a real relationship. He thinks he’s a good guy by telling you he’s not looking for anything serious. He’s better than the scum that lead you on, but he’s still not a nice guy. He’s an immature idiot who doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing, and you’re better off without him.

You should want and need a man, not a boy. A man who is responsible with his masculinity, respects a good woman. So make yourself into someone you are immensely proud of, and your real deserving man will find you, I promise. TC mark

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