Thought Catalog
March 16, 2017

If He Does These 8 Things, He Doesn’t Actually Want You Back (He’s Just Bored)

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What is the issue?
@BYONELOVE

1. He only texts you late-night.

He’s strolling home alone at the end of his Saturday night, and that 5’11” blonde he was talking to at the bar wanted nothing more than a vodka soda. So on his walk home who’s the first (un)lucky woman who crosses his mind? You are. Sure, it’s flattering that he’s thinking of you, but if he actually wanted you back, he’d think of you before he’s walking home alone; he’d think of you in a room full of friends and wonder why you’re not there; he’d think of you not just when he’s lonely, but when he’s surrounded by people and the only person he truly wants there is you. When he texts you on his way home, he’s doing it out of boredom and intoxicated reminisce. Trust me, you deserve to be more than an after-thought.

2. He’s more talk than action.

When he tells you he wants to hangout, it doesn’t mean anything until he actually does. You shouldn’t have to bend over backwards to spend time with someone. If he says he wants to see you, he’ll make time to see you, and if he doesn’t and you’re still giving him a chance, still texting him every night, still tagging him in funny instagrams, still stalking his Facebook page to see what he’s up to, then the brutal truth is you’re wasting your time. The brutal truth is, you’re attempting to convince him that you’re worth his time. Don’t convince someone you’re worth their time, find the person who knows that you are. Don’t worry, your person is out there. And the more time you waste with the boys who need convincing, the further away you are from finding him.

3. He doesn’t have time to date or meet new people.

When he’s super busy with work, or hobbies, or whatever else might be taking up his time that isn’t his social life, his only option in terms of dating is to revert back to the women he has ALREADY dated. What’s that metaphor about garbage and exes? Something like you wouldn’t dig through the bottom of your trash to take another bite out of your half-eaten leftovers that you ALREADY decided to throw away. Well in that instance your ex is the half-eaten takeout and you’re the one about to take a bite out of garbage, but if he’s squirming his way back into your life because he doesn’t have time to meet someone new, then technically you’re the half-eaten leftovers, and he’s the one digging through trash. But we both know you are WAY better than leftovers, and you are CERTAINLY NOT garbage. You deserve the guy who doesn’t dig through trash, because he doesn’t throw you away in the first place.

4. He’s had on-and-off relationships with exes before.

(See above) If he recycles exes frequently, you’re probably being tossed in that recycling bin too. It’s a wonderful feeling to think we’re the exception, but is it worth the feeling of disappointment when we find out we’re not? Exceptions imply rules, and if you think you’re one of them, then you’re voluntarily playing his game. The man who really deserves your love realizes that he doesn’t need you to be an exception because he knows that love is way more complicated than any one set of rules.

5. He says he misses you, but you question if he actually does.

If you question what he tells you, clearly he’s not proving it in the way you need him to. It’s okay to wonder if someone is ‘right’ for you, but when you wonder if what he’s saying is actually true, it’s more than wondering, it’s a lack of trust and faith, and most likely loyalty.

6. His contact with you seems more sporadic than consistent.

If he is seemingly okay with not talking to you for days (or weeks), then he is only talking to you when he’s bored. The guy who actually wants you back can’t handle not texting you for a whole day, because he can’t not think about you for a whole day.

7. He makes you feel like it’s your fault if you two never hangout.

When he texts you all the time but doesn’t ever make time to see you, he’ll make it seem like you’re the one making excuses, and he’ll do it in an extremely flirty way so you can’t actually be mad about it (even though you can, and should). You’re not a cure for boredom, you’re a human being with feelings and wants and needs, and you don’t need him, and you certainly shouldn’t want him either.

8. He talks about the past more than the future.

He talks about the past because that’s where all the memories are, and memories aren’t scary, they’re just something to think about. Sure, each memory evokes a different emotion, whether you look back and laugh, or you look back and feel like shit, but the past is what you and him both know, it’s comfort. The future is what’s really terrifying because it’s served with a heaping side of uncertainty. You both don’t know the future, and if he can’t talk about it, then he’s not certain you’ll be in it. Talking about the past with you is just something that fills his time, and makes boredom or loneliness a little more tolerable. TC mark

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