He was remorseful and worked on himself and did everything right. And I tried for 2 years. But in the end, the infidelity fundamentally changed the nature of our relationship. It changed the “story of us” to something sad and damaged instead of something amazing and beautiful. And after the awfulness and storm and strife of the first year was over, I just wasn’t in love anymore.
We’re getting divorced next year. If I ever have another long-term relationship, I wouldn’t try to stay and work it out after infidelity. It just extended the suffering, delayed the inevitable end, and wasted even more years of my life. Just one take from someone who’s been through it. YMMV.
Even if you want to forgive them, it’s almost impossible to move on. It throws the power balance right off. Someone will always “owe” someone and it’s not something you can ever make up to them. If you fight, it will always come up. And for day-to-day stuff, how can you ever trust them going out again? How can you give them freedom? You’ll either smother them and kill the relationship slowly, or you’ll hold in your own doubts and smother yourself.
You can forgive a cheater. It’s the arguments, the feelings of inferiority and superiority, the petty power struggles, all those things after that destroy the relationship. Navigate those and you might be able to bring it back.
“I heard an analogy from a girl who was cheated on by her co-worker when they were arguing in the parking lot.
‘What you did was like tearing a piece of paper. Once it’s been ripped, you can’t unrip it. Even if you glue or tape it back together. It’s not the same.'”
“You know when you put your foot through the drywall and theres a massive hole?
Yeah, unlike that small dent where you got filler and plaster and sandpaper to fix it, this is a serious problem. In fact, the fastest, and cheapest method is to rip down the entire sheet and reset it.
This is a metaphor.
You don’t repair infidelity. You fucking rip that shit up in a cathartic manner and get a fresh person. One without a giant trust hole.”
It never works, never will work. Once you betray someone’s trust in such a hurtful way you’ll never go back. You can pretend like you trust them, but you never will actually trust them.
I was cheated on by my ex of 4 years with a close “friend” of mine. I tried to forgive her and for the sake of doing so, ignored tons of red flags.
Turns out she continued cheating on me until the very end when she left me for my bass player. She later told me that she fucked 4 of my friends because she “didn’t know anyone else” and confirmed the once a cheater always a cheater theory by saying that once you grant yourself permission to do something that shitty, it becomes really easy to continue doing it.
Honestly OP, my advice to you is that you should bail. It’s easier said than done, but you really do deserve better.
It was a gf. She just ended up doing it again. What I finally realized was she wasn’t sorry she did it. She was just sorry she kept getting caught.
My ex made out with 2 girls and a gay guy when she was blackout drunk very early on in our relationship. I could never fully trust her after that. I made a rule, if there is any sort of cheating, it’s done. No repairing it.
Tried it once, didn’t work. I just ended up wasting time and energy on something that was clearly not fixable.
You have it in the back of your mind that you won’t find someone else or it will be forever before you do. You’re comfortable where you’re at even though it hurts. Amazing things come from change though.