September 23, 2016

I Love The Way I Do Because You Broke Me

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@mespilman
@mespilman

I love the way I do because you broke me. I give him my whole heart because you gave me half of yours, and I know just how terrible only half of something feels. Half of your love, half of your support and encouragement, half of your admiration. Half isn’t what I wanted. Half is why you broke me.

And now I promise that I’ll never give just half of my heart to anyone. That’s why I love fully, no inhibition, no hesitation, no fear. Because when you broke me you thought that my shattered heart would keep me from finding love again, but it did just the opposite.

Yes, I felt sad. Yes, I spent the whole night crying. Yes, I had feelings, emotions, after you left. But I didn’t let your leaving stop me from living. I didn’t let your absence affect my every moment. Because when you left I made some realizations that changed my life in every good way.

Because after you broke me I realized the kind of love that I deserve. I realized that the kind of love you were willing to give simply wasn’t enough. And I think what made me realize this is the love I knew that I could give, and in comparison to yours I had so much more.

I don’t want to love someone who doesn’t love me back just as much. No human does. And it’s not a matter of measurement, how my love measures up to yours, it’s a matter of feeling. Because I don’t want to love someone and feel empty. I want the love I give to feel as full as the love that I receive, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.

I love the way I do now because you broke me back then, and in between I did a lot of growing, a lot of learning, not just about love in general, but about myself. About the things I want, and the things that make me happy, the people that make me happy. Because life is too short to surround yourself with people you don’t want to surround yourself with.

Life is too short to accept a love that is less than you deserve. And now I realize it wasn’t me you broke, it wasn’t my heart either, it was this mediocre thing we thought was love.

So go ahead, let him think he broke you, because when he does you’ll love differently.

You’ll realize too that it wasn’t you he broke, it was the already-dwindling love you shared that he shattered, and for that you should be thankful. Because that dwindling love was holding you back from finding the real thing. Now you can go find it. TC mark

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