I Wish I Could Hate You

I don’t hate you. I’m sorry I said I did. But I wish I could hate you because it would be easier than what I’m doing now.

It would be easier to walk into a room and see you and hate you, than to feel my heart swell ten times its normal size and have it thump against my chest, just screaming for it to finally be released from your grasps.

It would be easier to scowl and turn away when I hear your voice instead of remember what it was like when you would whisper in my ear in the dark of the night.

It would be easier to jump away in disgust when you touched me in disgust instead of melting into memories of how you used to make me feel and the safety I once felt in your arms.

It would be easier if I thought your eyes were just normal blue eyes and that I didn’t think they were the ones I wanted to spend forever looking into.

I wish I hated you. It would be easier if I could hate you. I wish I knew how to hate you. I wish I meant the words and I wish I had more conviction when they fell from my lips. I have never wanted to hate anyone more in my life… But I can’t.

Because I love you with every ounce of my being. I love you so much it hurts. I love you so much it is killing me. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, my head is in a cloud of darkness and I don’t see a way out. Everything I did was because I loved you. Everything I’m doing now is because I love you.

And so, I am saying goodbye. Because even though I love you, I wish I could hate you.