These Are All Of The Ways I Hope You Feel My Love

I know I’ll never be easy, chill or drama free. I can put up an icy front that would have Jon snow looking for shelter, and when I feel like something is off, I lash out and throw up defenses. I have moments of insecurity and lord knows that when I’m pms-ing, you’ll be the first one to experience a torrent of emotions.

I pick fights to test whether or not you’ll run away. I push you away to see if you’ll stay and fight. Sometimes I’m too sensitive and react to things more than I should. Sometimes I pull away and sometimes I treat you unfairly just because I don’t want you to see any of my true feelings.

But I love you with every ounce of my difficult being. Even though I don’t know what we are to each other. Even though I don’t know if I can ever or will ever say those words, I hope you can see it in everything I do.

It’s in the way my eyes sparkle when you go on a tangent about different wrestling moves; because even when I don’t understand a word you just said about a duckunder or a what on earth a double leg takedown is, I just know I love how excited you get talking about it.

It’s the way I giggle uncontrollably from just being around you and even though you think I’m laughing at you (and I just let you think that) it’s only because I can’t contain my happiness to just a simple smile.

It’s in the mental notes I keep about how you like mint chocolate chip ice cream or how you used to eat Rollos as a kid. It’s paying attention to every story and detail you tell me and soaking up every bit of you that you give me.

It’s in the way my cheeks cramp up from smiling so hard and the way I shield my face because I want to hide the fact that you’re actually the high I’m on. It’s loving that you love when I get this way and how it makes me grin even wider.

It’s in the way I trace my fingers over every inch of your body. You relish the way it feels and I relish memorizing every freckle and scar. And while you think that I’m just scratching your back, I’m actually just etching in the words “I love you.”

It’s in the homemade funfetti cake sitting on the counter and the countless lava cakes that are always waiting in the fridge. It’s in the hour spent baking cookies and brownies, and anything that could possibly make you happy.

It’s the contact lens case and solution I bought without you asking me to. It’s me always wanting to make sure you feel comfortable and at home when you’re with me.

It’s searching for your favorite craft beer that is only stocked in hard-to-find artisanal stores and hiding them from the view of any one who might be peeking through my fridge.

It’s me curling up next to you even when I’m already too warm. It’s me nudging you awake in order to sneak under the crook of your arm. It’s begging for you to turn off the damn alarms just so I can have a few more minutes with you.

It’s the eye rolls I shoot your way every day. It’s in the words dripping with sarcasm and the sharp words that mask my true feelings not only from everyone around us, but also from you.

It’s in the fights I pick, the fears I have, and the anxious jealousy that clouds my judgment. It’s the moments when I push you away that are the ones that mean I need you to stay. It’s me forcing you to leave so I don’t have to deal with the inevitable pain of you choosing to leave.

It’s in my silence and cold demeanor. It’s in the masks and walls I’ve built. It’s in my every effort to hide how I truly feel.

It’s in every breath I take and every glance I steal your way. It’s in everything I do. Everything I do, no matter how crazy or small, is all because I love you.