5 Things I Assume Black People Are Tired Of Hearing

To be clear, right off the bat I should let you know that I am not black. I’m a white lady, but like most people who have any understanding of justice and being good these days, I am really sick and freaking tired of white people. They can shove it for all I care, especially when they say things to black people that I am sure black people are really freaking tired of hearing. Here’s the top five things that I think black people (who I am friends with) are really fed up with hearing:

1 – You’re so pretty for a black girl.

Ugh, this is literally so messed up, and I can’t believe white people would say this to a black person, but I’m sure they do. Not me though, I would never say something like this. I literally think all black women are more beautiful than white women. I was at the Eric Garner protests.

2 – You speak so well, for you know, a black guy.

This is such a messed up thing to say because it implies that black guys don’t know how to like talk good normally, which is wrong. Just because a black person is educated doesn’t mean that they aren’t stupid. What I mean is, a black person isn’t dumb just because they speak bad, you know? It’s racist to think that, and it’s even more racist to say it to a black guy. I’d never do that shit, I always keep my compliments incredibly neutral, just to be safe. I voted for Obama.

3 – Your hair is like Velcro, but sexy.

Look fellow white people: put down the mayonnaise casserole for a second. I know that’s what you’re eating – it’s literally the only we eat. We all love mayonnaise casseroles. Put it down and listen up: black people know that we all want to touch their hair. They know it. Stop asking if you can touch it. Is it really that hard to wait until you get home to touch soft things? Or maybe you just keep some carpet samples in your pocket that you can anxiously grope whenever you talk to black people? I never, ever ask to touch a black person’s hair, no matter how badly I want to. Ernie Hudson was my favorite Ghostbuster.

4 – I love rap music. Is your dad from rap?

Look, rap is cool. We get it, white people. You’re cool because you like rap. Hell, crank it up a notch. Listen to hip hop, which is like rap, but somehow different because you’ve made an arbitrary distinction between the two. But just because rap is cool, it doesn’t mean every black person you meet is a rapper. Stop asking them if they’re rappers. Just play it safe and assume they are. Can you imagine how insulting it would be if they were a successful rapper and you didn’t know who they were? Just don’t do it. I would always choose Dee Jay in Street Fighter.

5 – I’m so glad you’re my black friend. It makes it okay for me to say the n-word when you aren’t around.

This one is a huge no-no. For starters, how do you even know that black person considers you a friend? Keep in mind, as white people, we can never truly be trusted. Why are we being so friendly to black people in the first place? We must want something from them. It’s in our nature to steal. Not my nature of course, I’m one of the good ones. But the other white people, they’re bad and untrustworthy. Furthermore, you just can’t say the n-word anymore, and if you do, Jesus man, don’t let black people know that you’re doing it! What’s the point of saying the n-word sneakily if you’re just going to blab about it to a black person later? Stop telling black people that their friendship allows you to do racism, and if you can, stop doing racism at all.