Microsoft CEO Proudly Announces He’s Also Gay, But Better

“That’s right. Now I’m gay too,” says Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella, addressing a conference room filled with industry professionals. A laptop sits next to the podium, he gestures on the mousepad and gay pornography appears on the big screen behind the stage. “I love to be gay, in fact, I’m the best at being gay.”

The reaction from the crowd is mixed as Nadella feigns a smile and pulls his penis through the zipper on his pants. He’s wags it back and forth until he’s worked up a bit of a chubby, and then finally, an erection both lackluster in length and girth, but bloated looking, as if he had used one of those pumps to artificially and superficially enhance the look of his penis. This whole process takes a while, and Nadella apologizes for his inability to perform and writes it off as an anomaly.

“Normally I get hard right away,” he says. The audience laughs a bit, knowing Microsoft’s history with faulty technology during press conferences.

“A lot of you may think that Apple is the only company that can manage to have a gay CEO, but that’s not true,” he says. “Not only am I also gay, but I can still do straight stuff. Are there any girls in the audience?”

He scans the audience and sees a woman in the front row. Still wagging his penis trying to maintain an erection, he gestures at her.

“You there, come up and kiss me.”

The woman looks hesitant, but reluctantly makes her way to the stage. Nadella closes his eyes, purses his lips, and pecks her on the cheek.

“See?” he questions the audience. “I am both heterosexual and gay, which is better than being just gay. I’m compatible with everyone and everyone enjoys being gently fucked by me. It’s called being a bisexual CEO, and it’s available only through Microsoft.”

Many are speculating that this announcement is just a desperate attempt for Microsoft to earn cultural credit among younger consumers after Apple CEO Tim Cook’s announcement that he is proud to be gay, which was well received by many on social media.

“I assure you,” says Nadella, addressing those concerns. “My decision to be gay has nothing to do with Cook, in fact I thought of it first, and the way I’m gay is better than the way he is gay. I’m also a cheaper date and I have much lower standards. It’s a truly revolutionary and streamlined orientation and it’s brand new and original.”

Nadella’s announcement also comes on the heels of Google CEO Larry Pages’s announcement that she is transgender, and the Adobe CEO’s proud but widely criticized declaration of his desire to have sex with children.