Well We Legalized Weed And Now Teens Are Setting Themselves On Fire

Congrats. Great job, everyone. You refused to listen to the professionals at the DEA and the DARE program, and now teens are pouring alcohol all over their bodies and setting themselves on fire.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkapjCQKdjQ

Three years ago, back when weed was illegal and America still had a chance at regressing back into the oppressive but pristine and aesthetically pleasing ultra-white suburbitopia that it was in the Eisenhower era, the teens would maybe get drunk and engage in some planking or maybe mixing pop rocks with soda. Not anymore. Now we live in dope-smoking cuckoo land.

Back in the 1950’s, no one smoked pot. You had a drink here or there, but the girls wore poodle skirts and you had to wait until your final year of college before you could finger a pussy. Even then it was only one finger and only up to the second knuckle. Rock and roll was incredibly sterile and cars didn’t have seatbelts because no one ever got into an accident because they were never high.

Flash forward to the present day – to the disgusting reggae infested pot-doing haven that we’ve created for future generations of underachieving Cheeches and Chongs. Now, instead of harmless pranks and funny pictures, the teens are soaking themselves in isopropanol and setting their bodies on fire like Buddhist monks protesting their own intelligence.

But let me tell you teens this; it wasn’t cool when that monk did it so he could be on the Rage Against The Machine album, and it’ not cool when you’re doing it for Youtube views. Fire isn’t cool, and neither are your stupid sativas or indicas.

I hate to play a game of “I told you so” while the teens are burning, but come on, I freaking called this one. I said that if we legalized pot, and it got to the point where even the New York Times said it was cool to do pot, that teens would start setting themselves on fire and that black people would start punching strangers in the face (at the time, it wasn’t called the Knockout Game yet). So, without further ado, I told you so, America.

Already in Kentucky, a state known for its chicken and baseball bats, a young teen has been hospitalized. Now he’s brought shame to his family, and he’ll spend years struggling to regain the confidence to go shirtless in swimming pools. He’ll spend the summer inside, smoking dope with his pot buddies, thinking about how cool the president is and disregarding Christ. This is the world we’ve created.

I’m placing the blame squarely on the shoulders of the people of Washington state and Colorado. You just had to go and fuck this up for everyone, didn’t you? It wasn’t enough that you had beautiful environments and healthy people; you had to give people the freedom to do what they want with their bodies. That sounds like such a great idea, doesn’t it?

Well, not when those people choose to set themselves on fire.