February 15, 2014

Which Black Teen Murderer Are You?

Report This Article
What is the issue?

If there’s one thing I learned from the media this year, it’s that the knockout game is a real thing that all black people do, and all white people are heat packing, trigger happy racists. While the news stories themselves were tragic, I love being represented on the TV! If there wasn’t someone personalizing these stories by condemning the entire country for the actions of a select few, how would I be able to relate to them or feel empathy or remorse?

You see, these angry white guys aren’t just specific cases, they’re cultural touchstones that are indicative of our society at large. There’s a little bit of every black teen murderer in all of us, hovelled away in our collective subconscious as indelible marks on our identity – doting over our precious ingrained racism like Smeagle. Their crimes are as much a principle to the blueprint of our national spirit as a stilted Uncle Sam, or an eagle holding a gun in one of its majestic talons, and a 32oz PBR can in the other. The death of a black teen at the hands of some racist piece of shit is as American as genetically modified apple pie or the piebald CT mapping of one of our heroic athlete’s brains.

So without further ado, here’s a baseless, meaningless listicle to help you determine exactly which Black Teen Murderer best represents you!

George Zimmerman

Seminole county Sheriff's office
Seminole county Sheriff’s office

As exhibit A of the American race problem, George Zimmerman needs no introduction. In case you’ve been living in a cave, he’s the neighborhood watchmen that shot unarmed 17 year old Trayvon Martin two years ago. After being acquitted and getting his gun back, George has done quite well for himself, and by many accounts, is a national hero and a celebrity.

George is participating in the next round of celebrity boxing, a charity event to raise money for the American Culture Memorial that will be erected next year to commemorate the death of our national integrity. It’s actually just a giant sculpture of the Microsoft paperclip asking you why you made so many phone calls to your relatives overseas.

You’re a George Zimmerman if you’re the center of your group of friends. You’re the celebrity, the one that everyone loves to hate. You’re not here to make friends, and that’s why everyone embraces you.

Michael Dunn

Jacksonville Sheriff's Office
Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office

This guy is a real piece of shit. He gunned down an unarmed black teen because he was playing music too loud. Really, the music was the only reason he shot the kid—but before you pass judgment – it was in fact rap music, which in and of itself is kind of like a weapon. Instead of calling the police or staying on the scene, Dunn decided to leave and get a pizza. Rumor has it he didn’t tip, and he ordered from Papa John’s – one of the few corporations brave enough to fire employees in patriotic defiance of socialized healthcare. As ridiculous as it seems that he might be set free after killing someone over music, a not-guilty verdict would set precedent for a legal murder of Macklemore, whose blatant disrespect for the sanctity of marriage and haircuts should not go unpunished.

Dunn is a free spirit, and he plays by his own rules. You’re a Dunn if you think circumventing the law is ok if nobody gets hurt – and sometimes even if they do! You like to cut loose and have a good time, but you enjoy your quiet time as well.

John Henry Spooner

Milwaukee County Sheriff's department
Milwaukee County Sheriff’s department

Remember Dennis The Menace? Okay, well remember Mr. Wilson? John Henry Spooner is a lot like Mr. Wilson, and in this case, Dennis is black, and instead of yelling, Mr. Wilson uses bullets and a gun to tell Dennis to get off his lawn. He shot his 13 year old black neighbor and is now spending the rest of his shitty life in a tiny cell that’s only slightly less shitty than the shitty house he was supposedly defending.

Spooner is a loner. You’re a Spooner if you’re protective of your personal space and your collection of shotguns in your garage.

Johannes Mehserle

Jesus Christ, is that his for real name? It might as well be Hitler von Auschwitz. Hitler over here was the police officer that shot an unarmed, detained young black man in front of hundreds of witnesses. As a defense he claimed that he intended to use his Taser, which would have been a much more rational show of force, considering the man was unarmed and lying prone.

Johannes is sort of a comic relief. He executes every action with the air of German efficiency, but in the end he fucks it all up like the big goof that he is. You’re a Johannes if you’re the kind of person who makes a list, checks it twice, gets to the grocery store and realizes they left the list at home.

None Of Them

Of course, there’s always the unlikely possibility that you’re a decent human being that’s not ready to kill someone over a bag of skittles and an unfamiliar face, but this is rare. Usually you should feel bad about not being able to identify with a listicle but in this case I think it’s okay. TC mark

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 69,252 other followers