It’s not one of those things that you “get over.” Time doesn’t—in my case, at least—make it easier.
Every day since the accident, losing someone I love again is the most constant thought in my mind. I was 25 years old when my boyfriend Joe died tragically in a motorcycle accident. The only three words that can come close to describing this experience for me are: my world collapsed.
I lost myself, I lost my mind, and I lost my faith. I begged God to wake me up from the nightmare every minute of every day.
Most people will not understand the fear. I would say out of a solid 100% of people, about 2% understood/understand my feelings. For someone battling an anxiety disorder to begin with it’s unfortunate but my mind lives in the “what if”, which I am working on. I lay in bed at night, my fiancé next to me and there is nowhere in the world I would rather be. And then it happens, a wave of fear and panic come over me. I cuddle tightly against his body and listen to make sure I hear a heartbeat.
The morning comes, I start my day, kiss him goodbye and begin to get ready for work with the morning news on. I hear the word “accident” and again the panicked thoughts take over me.
“Did he put his seatbelt on this morning?”
“Did he make it to work safe?”
When that thought subsides, my heart begins to race again and now it’s a cluster of thoughts—
“Did he take his inhaler to work?”
“What if this is the last time I see him?!”
Nothing short of a constant battle.
I am so fortunate to have someone in my life that falls under that 2% of people that understand this. As crazy as it may sound, I need to re-assured time and time again that “nothing is going to happen to you right?” When I hear the response my mind and heart pray to hear, I can remain calm, however once I let my mind start to wander sometimes it takes a while to come back to my senses.
I have faith that I will one day be able to live a normal life again and not have the constant fear of someone I love dying. However, worst case scenario, if I have to fight the thought every day, I am confident I can overcome anything not only with the help of someone loving me from heaven, but also the love I receive from my future husband.