1. You know that real chili is poured over spaghetti.
2. You are clear on what a Buckeye exactly is.
3. Your hometown river is flammable.
4. You consider Kentucky “the South.” Michigan is “the North,” and during college football season, it’s also a curse word.
5. You have relatives that pronounce “wash” with an extra “r.”
6. You know that “OHIO” is properly spelled with your arms.
7. You often give directions using time measurements, as in “it’s 30 minutes outside of Akron.”
8. You almost never got off school during the winter, unless there was at least a foot of snow.
9. You can’t possibly fathom someone not having A/C during the summer, because Ohio summers are disgusting. Fuck you, humidity.
10. You know there are only two seasons: Summer and Winter. (These may occur on the same day.) If you count “construction” as a season, then there are three.
11. There are more orange barrels in your town than people.
12. You consider going to Cedar Point or Kings Island “vacation.”
13. You know that cicadas are technically edible.
14. You know someone who knows someone who knows George Clooney and get really annoying during The Ides of March or The Avengers, because you keep pointing out the landmarks.
15. You know that there’s no other OSU than Ohio State, and that other OSU doesn’t exist.
16. You get really excited when the Bengals win because like Robert Downey Jr., they’ve been through so much to get to where they are now. You know that the Browns will never win.
17. You’ve never seen a hockey game and might be unclear as to what hockey actually is.
18. The only Big Boy that exists is “Frisch’s.”
19. You don’t see any difference between mayonnaise and Miracle Whip.
20. You have to go to another state to see your favorite rock band, because they won’t come to your city.
21. When an outlet mall opened near your town, it was a big fucking deal.
22. You believe that ending your sentence in a preposition makes the statement or question more definitive. Thus, you might be heard asking, “Where’s my Indians jersey at?”
23. You measure time in sports games, like: “Oh, that happened three Bengals games ago.”
24. You know The Jake isn’t a person.
25. You’ve actually been cowtipping and can report that it’s kind of fun.
26. The street you grew up on is likely named after a dead tree.
27. You know who “Cincinnatus” is — or at least that he was a person who existed at some time.
28. You grew up thinking that Natural Light was a consumable beverage.
29. You think that people from all other states have an “accent,” but you definitely don’t.
30. You know that Lima is nothing like how it looks on Glee. (Like, where the fuck are you getting Alexander McQueen sweaters from? Do you have a dealer?)
31. You’ve been to a flea market before.
32. You know how to pronounce “Cuyahoga.”
33. If you live in Youngstown, you know someone connected to the mob.
34. You say “Please?” instead of “Excuse me?”
35. You knew what Graeter’s was before Oprah did.
36. You believe that going to Buffalo Wild Wings is an appropriate night out.
37. Your local bar has deer heads on the walls.
38. You know your carbonated beverages to be “pop,” not “soda.” And the idea that anyone calls Sprite a Coke is just downright confusing.
39. Your local paper has more sports coverage than all the other sections combined.
40. You know that Jerry Springer was once respectable and a productive member of society…a very, very long time ago.
41. You root for the teams of colleges you’ve never attended — or even visited.
42. You can Polka or Chicken Dance.
43. You know the real Miami University isn’t in Florida.
44. You pronounce both of the Ls in “Versailles” and don’t necessarily associate Athens or Oxford with Europe.
45. When people bring up Bowling Green, you know to ask which one.
46. You can’t hear the words “Lebron James” without spontaneously screaming or vomiting.
47. You hate Pittsburgh and think that Ben Roethlisberger is a traitor.
48. You know what city The Drew Carey Show took place in. (Hint: It rocks.)
49. You live near one of Dave Chappelle’s houses.
50. You know that real pigs have wings and ducks wear sunglasses.
51. You love to bash your city or state — but get really defensive when other people do it. Ohio might be like a drunk uncle, but it’s your drunk uncle, goddamn it.