22 Facts That Prove Tilda Swinton Is The World’s Most Fascinating Creature
1. She is currently sleeping in a box at the MoMa as part of an art installation. She has no scheduled appearance times and she can come and go as she pleases. Called “The Maybe,” MoMA’s press release mentioned there will be “no published schedule for its appearance, no artist’s statement released, no museum statement beyond this brief context, no public profile or image issued. Those who find it chance upon it for themselves, live and in real — shared — time: now we see it, now we don’t.” When I go to sleep, it’s because it’s 9:00 P.M. on a Thursday and I happened to fall asleep to New Girl on the couch while eating hummus.
2. Cracked once described her this way: “What would you get if the exterior of a Star Wars Imperial Star Destroyer mated with Clay Aiken? Tilda Swinton. That’s what.”
3. Tilda Swinton’s house has a view of the Moray Firth in Scottish Highlands. You know what my last apartment had a view of? A gay meth den.
4. Rumors were that Tilda lived with the biological father of her children while she traveled the world with her partner. The father of her children looks like this.
5. The photo on Tilda’s partner’s website is by Mia Wasikowska, the incredibly talented young actress who was in Jane Eyre, The Kids Are All Right and Stoker, currently in theatres. The only person who tags photos of me is my mother, who doesn’t understand why infant photos of me without pants on are inappropriate for social media consumption.
6. As a child, Tilda once planned to kill her brother, but they’re okay now.
7. She went to school with Princess Diana. Obviously.
8. In her hometown, she held a film festival called the “Ballerina Ballroom Cinema of Dreams,” which featured a wide variety of beloved classics and obscure films from across the globe. If you couldn’t afford the ticket price, you could pay admission in cake.
9. Swinton wore a full-length fruit ballgown to the 2001 Cannes Film Festival. And to think, some people just wear pants. Fact: She also looks great in pants.
10. While at Cambridge, she was active in the Communist Party, which would surprise no one. However, she was also a Political Science major and the daughter of a Major-General. Her family is also one of the oldest families in Scotland and a pack of vampires — I mean, probably.
11. She claims that she didn’t speak for five years. This sounds fake, but it’s so real.
12. Quick quiz: If you had to guess which of the two people had a public feud with Quentin Tarantino and which one dated him, who would you pick? Your choices are Kathy Griffin and Tilda Swinton. Hint: Tilda Swinton, surprisingly, didn’t play rumpy pumpy with Tarantino. You’ll now be picturing the answer for the rest of your natural born life.
13. When asked about “acting” during an interview with The Independent, Tilda said: “I have nothing to say about it at all…I don’t know anything about it, and frankly I don’t care.”
14. On Patrick Wolf’s last two proper albums, Swinton was a major presence on many of the avant-garde indie rocker’s songs. But because she’s Tilda Swinton, she didn’t even sing. She spoke. When Tilda Swinton is on your album, it doesn’t even matter what she’s doing. If we ever recorded together, I would be happy to even have her as a featured lip syncher guest mime. Who doesn’t love a good mime solo?
15. Her favorite movies include Let the Right One In, School of Rock and Bruno, because there’s a clear through-line there. Can you picture Tilda Swinton watching Bruno? Me neither. But I’m glad this information exists in the world.
16. Tilda Swinton has mentioned that she feels she’s always playing herself. In her career, she’s performed onscreen as a sweating corporate leech, the angel Gabriel, the White Witch of Narnia, an Italian housewife, a character whose only name is “Social Services” (thanks, Wes Anderson!), another character whose identifier is “blonde” (that’s the Jarmusch talking), a woman who watches men poetically age backward while sipping tea with them, Muriel Belcher, Bill Murray’s ex, Dr. Shrink-Rom, a serial killer’s mother, the creator of a post-apocalyptic lucid dreaming program that helps rich dead people live out their fantasies and a Virginia Woolf character. She’s also going to be the face of Chanel. Does that mean she is Karl Lagerfeld?
17. Also, Tilda’s ex, Bela Tarr, looks a great deal like Bill Murray. Meaning that, if art imitates life (as Swinton has said), Bill Murray might be Tilda’s type.
18. Tilda was raised entirely around men, with her father and three brothers. Because of this, she claims to have been raised as a boy and became a girl when she went off to boarding school. Meaning that she actually is a Virginia Woolf novel.
19. 20 years ago, she claims to have gone into debt funding her own projects.
20. Tilda Swinton was originally supposed to play Bridget Jones in the film Bridget Jones’ Diary. Which would have been a very, very different film.
21. Tilda Swinton recently played David Bowie’s wife in a music video, even though they are the same person. Meaning Tilda married herself. Sounds about right.
22. Despite the account warning people that it’s NOT Tilda Swinton, Swinton’s fake Twitter was sometimes mistaken for the real thing. One of her last tweets from the account was “I’m still waiting for my gills to seal up for my journey home; I thank you for your patience.” Based on previous information, I can see how people might not know the difference.
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3. Really good Groupon deals.
1. They treat a waitress poorly.
How many resumes have we submitted, never to hear a reply? How many slices of dollar pizza have we barely been able to afford this week?
“WE WERE ON A BREAK!”