31 Signs You're Liz Lemon
30 Rock might be over, but like Mufasa in The Lion King, the show will live on. Liz Lemon is inside us.
1. A man offers to buy you a drink at a bar. You tell him to get mozzarella sticks instead.
2. You own work sneakers — that look rather bi-curious.
3. You have perfected walking on the treadmill while drinking wine, which is how you work out. It’s your process.
4. You call a nooner having pancakes for lunch.
5. Top front is your worst quadrant.
6. Your refrigerator contains cheese that could be described as night cheese.
7. You don’t understand how sex standing up even works.
8. You would wear a snuggie at work.
9. Like a Liz Lemon party, your parties are mandatory.
10. You believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich. It’s the world’s most perfect food.
11. Also, you would choose a sandwich over a guy.
12. You think New York skyscrapers look like giant severed robot penises.
13. Having popcorn on the plane is enough to get you to board it.
14. You do whatever Oprah tells you.
15. You like being single because you think that there are a lot of things that are harder to do with two people, like monologues.
16. Your life is like the Barefoot Contessa — because you only see your significant other on the weekends and get to spend the rest of your time hanging out with your gay friends.
17. The word lovers bums you out unless it’s between meat and pizza.
18. You believe that Ghostbusters should never be used for evil.
19. You think that Mexican cheese curls count as breakfast.
20. You have actually consulted food about your problems.
21. One of your New Years’ Resolutions consisted of saying yes…to staying in more.
22. You think that German is the most beautiful language in the world.
23. You once ordered a pizza in your sleep.
24. The Clinique lady says you have witch undertones.
25. You took a “Which Gossip Girl Are You?” quiz and you got “the dad’s guitar.”
26. You get all your money advice from PBS.
27. For you, a romantic date consists of getting drunk with your partner and watching The Color Purple.
28. You think there should be more TV shows about cake.
29. You dance like no one’s watching you.
30. You love America. Just because you think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars doesn’t mean you don’t love America.
31. If you were a prostitute, you would charge $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling. End of list.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”