1. Being reminded you are single or told that, for any reason, your lack of being romantically attached to anyone makes you a less desirable or fit human being.
2. Getting semi-threatening messages from OKCupid. A couple days before the Mayan apocalypse that never came, the service was sending out emails asking its customers if they wanted to die alone. My response was, “No, I don’t want to die alone, and I also don’t want to use your service anymore.” Do people still use Plenty of Fish these days? Did they ever? Eh, there’s always Scruff.
3. Attending couples events. This year, I thought I had accidentally walked into a couples Thanksgiving, and inside I was screaming, “DEAR SWEET GOD NO.” Because the party was being hosted by two of my most beloved lesbian friends, and cute couples know other cute couples, who all regale each other in their mutual couple loveliness. However, I found the singles’ group, and then a dog bit someone’s lip off. So it turned out fine.
4. Getting set up by your family members, especially around major holidays. I don’t know what it is about Christmas that makes my female cousins think that I would be well-suited for the only eligible male homosexual that they know, but they seriously need to quit it. Next Christmas, I’m just saying I have herpes.
5. Being asked why you aren’t in a relationship. The person who is asking is really trying to flatter you — with the implicit suggestion being that someone as gorgeous and wonderful and funny, etc., etc., as you should be in a relationship. But they don’t really want you to answer that question, and you don’t answer to have to answer it, unless Shakespearian monologues on the subject are allowed.
6. Blind dates. Don’t set us up on them. Don’t try to convince us that THIS PERSON IS DIFFERENT! and THEY ONLY MASTURBATED IN PUBLIC THAT ONE TIME SO IT’S OKAY! THEY’RE REFORMED BY THE STATE! There’s almost nothing you can say that would entice us to be flung at your random cast off, unless it’s the words “Bradley” and “Cooper.” I would date that blind, deaf, mute or any shit he’s into. My body is ready.
7. Having other people remind you that the romantic comedy you’re watching isn’t good. Look, it has Katherine Heigl in it. I know it’s going to suck. Am I going to watch it anyway? Yes. Am I going to hate myself for it? Yes. Am I going to complain about its sexist representation of women later? Double yes. So, just leave me alone and let me absorb the outdated gender dynamics. It’s part of my process.
8. The calorie count on the side of the carton. Like the last one, everyone hates this. There’s nothing worse than trusting Ben and Jerry to steward your Saturday night alone at home with Friday Night Lights and Tim Riggins’ perfectly disheveled hair and then being reminded what it will cost you the following day at the gym. I don’t want to know that what I’m eating contains as much fat as every other thing I’ve eaten that day. Look away, Jerry. Just look away.
9. Being told you haven’t met the right person. Duh. If you had met them, you would probably be with them.
10. Seeing people you hate getting engaged on Facebook. It’s completely juvenile, and no one likes to talk about it, but who wants to be reminded of the happiness of people you loathe? Do you want to be that hyper-evolved person that’s all “good for them!” and then drinks a glass of sherry or some shit? Yes, you do. But you probably are not that person, and I don’t really know what sherry is. When I found out that an old schoolmate of mine that I hated with the fire of a thousand suns is getting married recently, while I still have to trick people into sleeping with me by promising them candy, I screamed like Regina George eating a Kalteen bar. It wasn’t my proudest moment, but it was real. And you know you’ve been there.
11. Not singing along to Kelly Clarkson. What else are you supposed to do when you hear “Since U Been Gone”? I didn’t know that there was legally another option, and I happen to be a rule follower. I’m just doing my civic duty.
12. Being told that everything happens for a reason. Why do we hate hearing this? 1) You can’t prove that, Nostradamus. 2) Even if everything does happen for a reason, you can barely figure out how to work your stove. There’s no way you’re going to know what that reason is. 3) It’s still not that helpful, and when uttered after a breakup, only leads to more overanalyzing. Which no one ever needs. 4) The existence of Kimye. There is no reason for that. Disproven.
13. Those moments where everyone else is sleeping with someone but you. This is why God invented Double-Stuff Oreos. You need the extra love.
14. The word “soulmate.” The word “soulmate” was invented to sell candy to people on special occasions and make up fake corporate holidays that mean absolutely nothing to anyone. (Sweetest Day, anyone? Has anyone ever been depressed not to have a date on Sweetest Day? No, because that’s not a thing.) One person cannot complete you. The only person who completes you is you. Besides, both single and partnered people rely on a lot of people for their happiness, not just their significant other. I live next to Pete’s Pizza in Chicago, and I know Pete isn’t real, but he’s more fulfilling than any man could ever be. If we don’t have lots of soulmates, including pizza mascots, life gets lonely waiting for one person to be everything to you.
15. Getting life advice that starts: “You could find someone if you just…” If you ever want to see a single person flip over a table, tell them that they are doing their love life wrong with that statement. Go ahead. Once a friend of mine told me that I was too much like Ross from Friends, the loyal best friend character, and that I would never be leading man material. I reminded him that Ross ended up with Rachel at the end, so he was completely misreading that series. Then I got a new friend. It’s not that we don’t want to hear what you have to say; you just need to be careful about how you say it.
16. Hearing that you’re “too picky,” need to “get out there,” that you should “try harder” or need to “settle down already!” I think that if you tell a single person that they aren’t trying hard enough, a jury would side with that single person if they murdered you in cold blood. Think about almost every girl who attends a club on a Saturday night and ludicrous lengths they go to in order to attract attention. THEY WEAR SHORT SKIRTS WITHOUT LEGGINGS IN TEN DEGREE WEATHER. If they were to try harder, they would have hypothermia. They need to just do them, have fun and not worry about impressing everyone else so much. Independence is sexy, as is not getting frostbite.
17. When you can’t find your vibrator. Heterosexual males, you probably don’t know what I’m talking about. Ask your girlfriend about it and learn. It’s almost as bad as that moment where you think you lost your cellphone only to find that it was in that weird pocket you never use — twenty-ish seconds of pure terror.
18. Having people equate relationships with happiness. My parents’ marriage completely disproves the notion that you have to be coupled to be a fulfilled person, because sometimes relationships can be bitter, horrible things like Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger or everything that transpired during Fleetwood Mac’s existence. The grass isn’t greener anywhere, and sometimes that grass leaves voicemails on their daughter’s cellphone about what a “rude pig” she is.
19. The fact that almost every single song on the radio is a love song. Seriously, can’t y’all think of anything else to sing about? Aren’t there wars and fiscal cliffs going on? Why can’t Taylor Swift just take an interest in our state’s economic woes? She can break up with Congress for us. Because we are never, ever getting back together, John Boehner. Like, ever.
20. Thinking about the fact that Kim Kardashian will reproduce before you will. On the bright side, though, we will always have the punchlines. This event has single-handedly justified the existence of Twitter to me. My favorite tweet about it comes from @DepressedDarth: “Kim and Kanye are having a baby, finally the Death Star has a good enough reason to destroy Earth.” For real though, I’m thinking about adopting — just to win at having babies. There’s no way she’s beating me to it. Anyone want to raise some adopted Himalayan whistle children with me?