July 10, 2012

60 Famous People You Didn’t Know Were Scientologists

1. Jenna Elfman

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How you know her: Elfman played Greg’s wacky, new-age wife on Dharma and Greg. She’s like the Sweetheart of Scientology, which is a thing, I guess.

2. Leah Remini

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Remini is also known as the woman who was way too hot to be with Kevin James on The King of Queens. Leah Remini reportedly sends her fans Scientology pamphlets in response to fan mail. She also gives the worst party favors ever.

3. Greta Van Susteren

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Susteren is a “personality” on Fox News who I’m told is a totally different person than Ann Coulter.

4. Elizabeth Moss

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Moss plays Peggy on Mad Men and allegedly ruined Fred Armisen’s life with Scientology, which will eventually make for a great skit on Portlandia.

5.This list of celebrity Scientologists previously included Linda Blair based on information from other sources. Ms. Blair has notified us that she is not, nor has she ever been, a Scientologist. Apologies for the error.

6. Jason Lee

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Lee is the terrible parent who named his kid “Pilot Inspektor” and pined after a goateed Ben Affleck in Chasing Amy.

7. Erika Christensen

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Christensen is the girl who stalked Jesse Bradford in Swimfan. And probably in real life, because she had two eyes and had to act with him shirtless every day. Even Xenu gets tempted by the secular, terrestrial flesh.

8. Kirstie Alley

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Alley was in The Wrath of Khan, which should be how you know her. Also, check out those Vulcan ears: foreshadowing.

9. Jason Dohring

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Dohring is the dude who played Tucker-Max-knock-off Logan on Veronica Mars and repeatedly broke Veronica’s heart. But he was, like, totally misunderstood because his dad was an evil murderer, which in serialized-teen-drama logic gets you a pass.

10. Laura Prepon

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Prepon acted on That 70’s Show and was converted to the religion by her then-boyfriend Danny Masterson — which is, I guess, nicer than getting crabs from him. Although crabs is easier to get rid of. Just ask Katie Holmes.

11. Danny Masterson

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Masterston is the guy from That 70’s Show who deserved to be with a creepily young Mila Kunis like way more than Ashton Kutcher did.

12. Christopher Masterson

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Christopher Masterson is Danny Masterson’s brother and Malcolm’s older brother on Malcolm in the Middle. He’s like Neil Patrick Harris’ evil twin, which would make for some excellent porn. Just saying.

13. Bijou Phillips

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Phillips is the daughter of John Phillips from The Mamas and the Papas — who acts in things sometimes to remind people she still exists.

14. Doug E. Fresh

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Fresh is a seminal rapper who is not to be confused with Doug E. Doug, the actor who appeared Disney’s remake of That Darn Cat with Christina Ricci. Although Doug E. Fresh really should have been in that instead of Doug E. Doug. For the street cred.

15. Nancy Cartwright

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Cartwright is the voice of Bart Simpson, a character she used to promote Scientology back in 2009 — by making cold calls on behalf of the religion. 

16. Anne Archer

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Archer was the survivor of Michael Douglas’ philandering in Fatal Attraction, which in Hollywood is good enough to get you an Oscar nomination.

17. Peaches Geldof

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Geldof is Bob Geldof’s daughter and a journalist. She is best known from having a name that inspired a million cocktail drinks. (Note: This is not Peaches the singer. That would make me deeply depressed.)

18. Juliette Lewis

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Lewis was in The Other Sister with fellow Scientologist Giovanni Ribisi, a connection that makes me very uncomfortable to think about.

19. Giovanni Ribisi

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Ribisi is the brother of Phoebe Buffay.

20. Beck

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Beck is a loser who wants to defy the logic of all sex laws. He’s actually a second-generation Scientologist, because that’s a thing.

21. Karen Black

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Black was the lady who miraculously landed the plane in the movie Airport and the Airport parody on Family Guy — a joke I’m sure a lot of people got.

22. Sonny Bono

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Bono was the former life and singing partner of Cher who ran into a tree while skiing and inspired Cher’s best single.

23. Edgar Winter

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Winter was the albino lead singer of The Edgar Winter Group who reminded you to take a free ride in Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie.

24. Ethan Suplee

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Suplee played Earl’s dim-witted sidekick in My Name is Earl and the intermittently goth sidekick of Ashton Kutcher in The Butterfly Effect.

25. Chaka Khan

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Khan is the wonderfully stage-named singer known as the “Queen of Funk.” Chaka Khan has skirted actually admitting she’s a Scientologist, while still repeatedly bringing up the religion in interviews.

26. Priscilla Presley

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Presley is the former wife of Elvis Presley and a one-woman economic stimulus for the plastic surgery industry.

27. Lisa Marie Presley

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Lisa Marie Presley is the daughter of Priscilla and Elvis Presley. Presley married Michael Jackson that one time and has to have the most wild stories imaginable.  (Lisa, let’s do coffee some time. I can shave those secrets right out of your hair.)

28. Catherine Bell

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Bell is that woman from JAG, which may be one of the most asking-for-puns titles in TV history.

29. Lynsey Bartilson

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Bartilson is a person whose only major role was as the daughter in Fox’s Grounded for Life, which was, at its peak, the 87th most-watched show on TV. In its fourth season, it finished in 187th. On the WB. Clearly, Scientology advances all careers.

30. Will Smith

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Smith is an actor who is in a lot of sequels instead of the new Quentin Tarantino movie like he should be. Will Smith has never confirmed his membership in Scientology, despite making numerous multi-million-dollar donations to the church over the years. Because people always give their money to religions they don’t believe in. Instead, Smith claims that he just hangs out with a lot of Scientologists, which is kind of like when guys will put their penis in your mouth but claim they aren’t gay, just hangin’ like a bro. Inside your face.

Former Members:

1. Patrick Swayze

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How you know him: Swayze is the Ghost who gave you dirty dreams after Dirty Dancing.

2. J.D. Salinger

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Salinger was a famously reclusive author who may have been in hiding only to stay away from Scientology, just like Katie Holmes.

3. Sharon Stone

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Stone got famous by flashing her vag in Basic Instinct and continues to insist upon showing everyone the world her vagina. She is possibly too “out there” for Scientology.

4. Mikhail Barishnikyov

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Barishnikyov is the world-famous ballet dancer who was way too good for Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City. As a former adherent, he no longer possesses thetans — but still absolutely possesses dat ass.

5. Candice Bergen

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Bergen is the mortal enemy of Dan Quayle, that Vice President who didn’t know how to spell “potato.”

6. Leonard Cohen

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Cohen is music’s favorite misogynist and go-to depresser of all human beings. He sang the classic tunes “Hallelujah” and “Famous Blue Raincoat.” Cohen has never had sex with a woman he couldn’t be melancholic about later.

7. William S. Burroughs

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Burroughs enjoyed Naked Lunches and of being totally out of his mind, which is unsurprising to anyone who has read any of his novels.

8. Christopher Reeve

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Reeve is the now-deceased Superman that no one is allowed to make jokes about, lest God and Meryl Streep smite you directly.

9. Darby Crash

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Crash was the lead singer of The Germs. Darby Crash died thirty years before he could stop Shane West from playing him in a movie.

10. Brandy Norwood

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Norwood was a classmate of Kobe’s, an actress on Moesha and stealth fashionista who spawned the greatest Tumblr account of all time. Brandy claims she “just took classes” and is no longer a member. We’ll take your word for it, boo.

11. Jeffrey Tambor

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Tambor was GEORGE MOTHEREFFING BLUTH. There are literally too many good jokes here to pick just one. He escaped from Scientology as of 2008, meaning that he may have been a Scientologist during the entire filming of Arrested Development.

12. Demi Moore

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Moore is that actress who got cheated on by Ashton Kutcher, which is further proof that That 70’s Show ruins peoples’ lives. Also, Kutcher seems to be connected to a lot of people on this list. Is he the Kevin Bacon of Scientology?

13. Shirley MacLaine

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MacLaine is America’s favorite slightly-touched-in-the-head grandma, who explained to the world in Steel Magnolias that she “isn’t crazy; she’s just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” She’s related to Warren Beatty, so that’s understandable.

14. Gordon Lightfoot

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Lightfoot is the singer who wrecked the Edmund Fitzgerald and won’t stop apologizing for it on classic rock stations. It’s been over 30 years, Gordon.  We’re over it.

15. The Incredible String Band

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You probably won’t know who they are, unless you happen to be really into psychedelic British folk music from the 1960’s and 70’s. If you are, call me.

16. Gloria Swanson

Swanson was the Sunset Boulevard actress ready for her close up, thetans and a million drag impersonations. One of the earliest celebrities to consider Dianetics.

17. Ricky Martin

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Martin is a former liver of la vida loca and banger of shes who is gay now and was probably gay while flirting with Scientology. Just gonna put that out there for no particular reason.

18. Rock Hudson

Hudson dated Doris Day in almost every classic movie. This is enough to make anyone gay.

19. Kate Capshaw

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Capshaw is that woman who screamed a lot in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. She also boinks Steven Spielberg a lot.

20. Brad Pitt

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You know Brad Pitt if you are alive and pay attention to anything.

21. Olivia D’Abo

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D’Abo acted in Kicking and Screaming and played the older sister on The Wonder Years. She also doesn’t answer any of my love letters.

22. Oliver Stone

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Stone is a once-relevant director now determined to make you rethink liking JFK, Born on the Fourth of July, Platoon and Natural Born Killers. He may have escaped Xenu but couldn’t escape Alexander.

23. Van Morrison

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Morrison is the soft-rock troubadour who remembers when you used to sing “Sh-la-la-la-la-la-la.”

24. Soleil Moon Frye

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Frye played Punky Brewster and strangely was not named by Frank Zappa.

25. Emilio Estevez

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Estevez is the most well-adjusted member of the Estevez clan — whose brother’s antics help to make him look more and more normal with each passing day. Also, Estevez duct taped Anthony Michael Hall’s butt cheeks together in The Breakfast Club but then felt bad about it.

26. Nicole Kidman

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Kidman is the second person to escape a Tom Cruise marriage and live to not be able to tell the tale — per the threat of lawsuits.

27. Jerry Seinfeld

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Seinfeld is that comedian who can’t figure out airline peanuts and, apparently, couldn’t figure out what the deal is with Scientology either. He left after taking some classes over 30 years ago and jokes that it’s not even the craziest thing on his resume. (See instead: Bee Movie.)

28. Paul Haggis

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Haggis is the Oscar-winning director who beat out the gay cowboys for Best Picture by having Sandra Bullock fall down the stairs and learn about racism. He is now an outspoken opponent of Scientology after leaving the church in 2009. Haggis opposed the church’s decision to support Proposition 8, saying that it was “a stain on the integrity of our organization and a stain on us personally. Our public association with that hate-filled legislation shames us.” Gay cowboys, I think ya’ll are even.

29. Gloria Gaynor

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Gaynor is the disco legend that brought us “I Will Survive” and other classics.

30. Charles Manson

Manson took Scientology classes and then murdered a bunch of people, after deciding that Scienology was “too crazy” for him. Process that. TC mark