50 Signs You’re A Coffee Addict
- You pregame coffee with coffee or other forms of caffeine.
- You were once seen shotgunning a Diet Coke outside of a café to prepare for drinking more coffee inside.
- You make it a rule to have coffee before any important coffee meeting, because you want to already be alert and perky in advance.
- You leave some of the coffee you drank before bed on your nightstand, just so you have coffee ready at the moment you wake up.
- You prefer to date other coffee drinkers because their mouth tastes like coffee.
- You have strongly considered hooking yourself up to an IV filled with coffee and carrying it around with you at all times.
- Your formula for making your own coffee is two bags of coffee per cup of water.
- You make your coffee so strong no one else will drink it and other people will actually beg you not to make coffee.
- You work at a soup kitchen not just because you want to help people but also because it’s an endless hook up for free coffee.
- You look at your expenses for the month and see that you spend more on coffee than clothing or food.
- You sneak coffee into bars, movie theaters and sometimes sex.
- You’ve ever taken a break during sex to “caff up.”
- You know what “caff up” means and can say it without laughing.
- You sometimes color coordinate your coffee thermos with what you are wearing that day.
- You openly judge others on their coffee orders and are vehemently anti-Frappucino.
- You drink Frappucinos anyway, when life gets desperate and you really need any caffeine.
- You like your coffee like you like your men. In any form you can get it.
- You have recurring sexual fantasies or sexual daydreams that involve coffee.
- You would marry coffee, if coffee were a person.
- You go to pick up coffee beans at the store to grind and a large number of them don’t make it back to your home, because you ate them.
- You learned how to brew your own coffee before you learned how to cook.
- You sing Harry Nilsson’s “Without You” at karaoke and mentally dedicate it to coffee.
- You have dated numerous baristas because of their proximity to free coffee.
- You would get turned on when your ex came home from work smelling of the brew.
- You have gotten a number of your friends addicted to coffee, because people who are around you always end up drinking it more often than they ever would elsewhere.
- You don’t believe in wasting coffee and have actually stopped others from pouring it out by shouting, “No coffee left behind!”
- You always tell waiters they can just “leave the pot.”
- You will probably put on your tombstone: “Keep it coming.”
- You plan to be buried with a to-go cup in your hand.
- You spend more time at the café closest to your house than you do at your apartment.
- You are on a first-name basis with most of the people that work at said café, their immediate family members, their children and their friends.
- You have your family, your chosen family and your “coffee family.”
- You don’t take cream in your coffee because it leaves less room for the coffee.
- You don’t believe in Americano because you would just prefer a cup full of espresso and started ordering red eyes so there will be no superfluous water in your cup.
- You don’t believe in Santa Claus; you believe in Juan Valdez.
- You can order a tall blonde with a red eye and know nothing bad is happening.
- You have named your mugs.
- You don’t remember what life before coffee was like.
- You plan on — if you ever win an Oscar — thanking coffee in your acceptance speech.
- You secretly don’t see the point of tea.
- You once tried to give up coffee and replaced caffeine with crying spontaneously.
- You once asked if you could order your coffee “by the barrel.” (They said no.)
- You know who the CEOs of Starbucks, Caribou Coffee and Intelligentsia are without looking.
- You are known to be a regular at multiple cafes.
- You know all of the banks in a ten-mile radius that leave out free coffee for their guests.
- You have strongly considered asking a barista to just pour the coffee directly in your mouth.
- You can’t get that addicted to smoking or alcohol, because you only have room for one addiction in your life.
- Your body is 80% coffee, 20% thinking about how to get more coffee.
- Your blood pressure is probably through the roof.
- You might have a problem.
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