The Bums I Met My First Year Living In Boston
1. The OTB Squad
The Outside-Tedeschi-Bum Squad is a small collective of bums who like to sit outside of the Tedeschi convenience store on Massachusetts Avenue and heckle those entering and exiting for change. They will routinely hold the door open for you as you venture in, querying “On your way out?” It is kind of adorable how tight-knit their little community is, and they can be seen outside Tedeschi’s literally any hour of any day drinking, smoking, and socializing. Various members will come and go, but you can be sure that there will always be at least one or two OTB’s holding it down on the sidewalk.
My most memorable OTB Squad moment: I was once privileged enough to overhear a heated argument between two OTB’s over which type of cheese would go best with malt liquor. The candidates were American cheese and Laughing Cow. I was laughing harder than that cow has ever laughed.
Bum rating: 7
2. One Hand Push-Up King
Where do I even begin. To anybody who has lived in the area that includes Fenway and the Back Bay, One Hand Push-Up King is a legend. He is the only bum on this list who coined his own bum name (all the others have developed their bum names over time and are only referred to by these names by those in the non-bum community for the sake of easy identification). OHPUK’s shtick is that he can do ridiculous amounts of one-handed push-ups in seemingly impossible windows of time. Nobody really likes being confronted by OHPUK (and yes, it is always a confrontation), but his propensity for yelling, horrendous diction, movie-trailer-style speech pauses, and being a complete mess make any OHPUK encounter mildly amusing and certifiably ridiculous. OHPUK is almost never seen during daylight hours. Though come nightfall, and especially on weekends, one should be mentally prepared for an encounter with this remarkable, totally cracked-out bum. Should said encounter occur, it will probably go something like this…
“So, yeah I think we’re gonna go back to Mark’s place and-“
“ESKYOO MAH… ONE HAN PUSH UP KING…”
“Oh God, not again…”
“I BET… I KIN DO… HUNDED PUSHUPS… IN FITTY SEGOND… FYE DOLLA…”
“Sorry, we don’t have five-“
“HOLD ON… I KIN DO… FITTY PUSHUPS… DIRTY SEGOND… TREE DOLLA…”
“Dude, we really don’t care-“
“AY… FITTY PUSHUPS… DIRTY SECONDS…”
“Okay, bye” (begins to walk away)
“HOLD ON, HOLD ON… TWENNY PUSHUPS… TEN SEGOND….”
The subject will continue to be pestered by OHPUK until either he spots another potential subject (the most likely end to the scenario, considering he has the attention span of a Labrador retriever), or the subject eventually decides to take on his bet. In the event that the subject succumbs, he or she must be sure to not give OHPUK the money until the feat has been performed. Though OHPUK will argue with you on this matter, it is a well-known fact that he will only actually do the push-ups if you don’t hand over the money first. Many first-timers become intimidated by his physique (which is indeed commanding), hand over the cash, and watch him sprint away. Just remember, OHPUK is ultimately benign and will impress the hell out of you if you remain firm and only fork up the money after you have witnessed his unbelievable talent.
My most memorable One Hand Pushup King moment: There are too many. Once my roommates and I were sitting on the stoop of our apartment complex when OHPUK approached us out of nowhere, kindly introduced himself, proceeded to grab some empty beer bottles off the ground (I know there were definitely more than three), attempted to squeeze out the last drops from each one into his gaping mouth, then vanished into the night. There was also the time when he took off his shirt and ran up and down the middle of Massachusetts Avenue yelling at cars. I did not stick around the watch the police subdue him, but I’m sure it was quite entertaining.
Bum Rating: 8
3. Feather Man
Feather Man is somewhat of an anomaly among the bums in that he never holds out a cup, asks for money, or says anything, really. I guess this doesn’t really make him a bum. He just sort of sits around, nods his head, and glares at people. Feather Man can usually be spotted sitting on the sidewalk in cutoffs and a dirty t-shirt, shoes and a tall can of malt liquor beside him. His name is derived from the large, white feather that protrudes from behind his right ear, held in place by a green bandana in serious need of a good laundry cycle.
My most memorable Feather Man moment: None.
Bum rating: 3
4. Bald Lady
Bald Lady is the kind of bum that gives bums a bad name. For despite leading the bum lifestyle, there is a certain code of bum etiquette one usually adheres to. This code of etiquette is not enforced by anyone, but most bums at least partially observe it, mainly because they have realized, like most civil people, that being nice (or at least pretending to be nice) is almost always the easiest way to get what you want. Bald Lady has yet to develop (or even discover) civility. Her behavior is comparable to that of a cross between a small child and an abrasive parrot; it is characterized by incessant pleading, whining, and yelling when she is not given what she wants. It has been observed that Bald Lady will ask the same subject for a cigarette an indeterminable amount of times (despite being denied every time), each “Can I have a cigarette?” a little louder and a little whinier, until eventually nearby seismographs chart 8.4′s and the subject either runs away hysterical (in which case she will probably chase after him) or reluctantly hands over that cigarette, hands shaking and ears ringing from the sheer magnitude of her demanding and supremely annoying voice. And oh yeah, she’s bald.
My most memorable Bald Lady moment: The time that cigarette trick worked on me.
Bum Rating: 9
5. Mirror Lady
Mirror Lady is another local legend among the Back Bay community, though she does not really qualify as a bum; she is just a ridiculous person whose mission in life is to hurt and offend as many people as possible. Unlike One Hand Push-Up King, her antics are much more frightening than amusing. Her name is derived from the mirror she constantly holds at arm’s length in front of her. Based on some of the absurd things that have come out of her mouth, many have come to the conclusion that she is a paranoid schizophrenic who is convinced a secret organization is spying on her (hence the mirror, which allows her to monitor suspicious behavior in 360 degrees), but no one really knows for sure because she is downright impossible to talk to. She can usually be observed meandering around the Northeastern campus talking loudly to herself and yelling racist obscenities at passerby, never once letting go of that damn mirror.
My most memorable Mirror Lady moment: Anytime she’s spouted completely disgusting racial slurs to college girls who dress liberally, which happens quite often. I wonder what would happen if someone broke that precious mirror of hers….
Bum Rating: 1
6. Anonymous Dancing Guy
Anonymous Dancing Guy is a wiry, old man who posts up on Newbury street for hours to make semi-musical sounds with his mouth and dance like the lovechild of Elvis and Soulja Boy. His primary dance move could be aptly dubbed the ‘seizure.’ To perform this move, one must simultaneously shake as many parts of his or her body as possible. ADG also incorporates a pretty mean thizz face into his routine, which leads me to believe that he is originally from the San Francisco bay area and may have played a role in the development of the hyphy movement. ADG is always holding a cup in his hand, and it is always full. Though not much of a conversationalist, he is undeniably a very cool bum.
My most memorable ADG moment: Watching him perform an almost unrecognizable but totally badass rendition of “Purple Haze.” This astounding performance earned two five dollars on my behalf.
Bum Rating: 6
7. Sammich (aka The Loaf)
Sammich is king of the bums. He is the laziest, most apathetic and conniving bum I have encountered since moving to Boston. He epitomizes the ethos of the bum in a way that the OTB squad can only dream of. His blend of profound indifference, incomprehensible sloth, and acute sociopathic tendencies spawns behavior that would seem completely absurd to the average human being. It is not uncommon to see Sammich bent over a public garbage bin with his large stomach fully submerged beneath the rim, body bent at a ninety degree angle, holding out a cup or taking a nap. Keep in mind, he is too lazy to lift his head up when he is garbage-loafing, so his eyes are facing the ground when he is asking people, “spare some change?” When Sammich decides that this activity has become too strenuous, he will begin the arduous and time-consuming process of getting up. To go from prone position on the garbage can to fully upright usually takes Sammich anywhere from two to three whole minutes (if this does not seem like a lot, consider how long it would take to go from wherever you’re sitting or laying at this moment to standing fully upright, literally seconds). Watching this guy do something so simple as standing up is so drawn out and dramatic its like watching National Geographic: Bread Edition. If you haven’t guessed already, Sammich acquired the name Sammich because all he does is loaf around. Except that this isn’t actually true. Sammich really acquired his name because of his habit of approaching people (albeit slowly enough for them to run for cover), putting two fingers up to his mouth like he is asking for a cigarette, and saying “sammich?” Wait, this guy is so phenomenally lazy, he has actually worked out how to bum both food and cigarettes at the same time! Now that is multitasking, if not supremely confusing. The funny part is, after being denied these things, Sammich will not, like most bums, try to convince you that he is worthy of your expendables, or even assume that you misunderstood and try to clarify a little bit. He just doesn’t care enough. He will say nothing, slowly make his way over to the nearest garbage bin, and continue to loaf the time away.
My most memorable Sammich moment: All of them.
Bum Rating: 10
A | A | A
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.