October 11, 2016

How To Reach Peak Masculinity In 10 Simple Steps

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Unsplash, Cristian Baron
Unsplash, Cristian Baron

1. Suppress your feelings.

Keep all of that noise to yourself. Speaking openly is a sign of weakness, which is why women are so fragile. Are you a woman? Didn’t think so. Besides, if you let your feelings get all out in the open, there will be nothing left for you to cry yourself to sleep about, pussy. Confine your discourse to socially acceptable topics such as football, baseball, HBO’s “Ballers,” or other things that involve balls, dicks, boobs, leg day, guns, vaginas and Obama (regardless of who is actually president at the time). Soccer can be discussed during a World Cup year, but remember, even men’s soccer is women’s soccer.

2. Speak loudly.

This one is crucial. A surefire way to get people to think you’re a wimp is if you speak softly, because you’re timid or introverted or whatever those two words mean. Every utterance should cause surrounding people to think, “Hey, that’s a man! That’s a man who’s gone through puberty. I like him.” When you speak loudly it’s much easier to be heard, mainly because you’ll be drowning out the voices and opinions of everyone around you. You should always have a sore throat. Pain is admirable. Don’t be a pussy.

3. Photograph yourself in a gym.

This one should be a no-brainer. If you’re not taking selfies at the gym, how is anybody going to know that you’re strong enough to lift your phone? Make it more casual by turning your head away from the camera so it seems like you’re talking to someone else. DO NOT SMILE. Smiling indicates a general onset of happiness. Happiness is a feeling and feelings are for women.

4. Let there be no doubts about your sexuality.

When you’re chilling with your friends outside the K-Mart and a person presenting as a woman walks by, make sure they all know how hot you think she is. Bring it up once while she’s in sight, make sure she hears you, and then slip it in a second time a day later like, “Damn, remember that MILF from K-Mart yesterday?” This will help show how committed you are, and alleviate any concerns your friends may have about your level of masculinity.

Also, if you’re watching a movie with some of your fellow heteros make sure you announce that, if given the opportunity, you’d fuck the hot actress from the movie. If she’s not hot — then say that, too. There’s usually only one woman per Hollywood movie, so she shouldn’t be hard to find. If you don’t do any of this, you’re probably just gay.

5. Disrespect women at all costs.

There’s going to be a lot of feminists out there who’ll disagree with this next step, but that’s just because they hate men being manly. Disrespect is key. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Ever. All over your town there are women walking down the street just begging to be disrespected.

You can even disrespect your girlfriend! For example, ask for her father’s permission before you propose to her. Women like to think that they can make their own life decisions all by themselves, but it’s generally best to defer to the next man available. Besides, you want an answer sometime this millennium, right?

6. Remind people that you do indeed have genitals.

The simple truth is, people might’ve forgotten. You can’t have people thinking that you don’t have functional genitals. Get creative. “Jeeze, it’s such a chore to keep my cock and balls tucked in my underwear,” might yield a passerby to think, “Oh yeah! He does have a cock and balls! I’d forgotten that men have those!” People forget things pretty easily, and remembering stuff is hard…but not harder than my dick! See? It’s that easy. Say these things literally every chance you get.

7. Don’t be a pussy.

If you need me to elaborate, you have already failed.

8. Project the stereotype like a human stereo.

Let it consume you. Suppress all urges and conflicting behavior until you devolve into a hollow shell of a human. If being a “shell of a human” doesn’t sound appealing, try to think of something more pleasant, like, shells you might find during a nice long walk on the beach. Not so terrible, right? Intricate little things of beauty carved over time from coalesced sediment in the ocean. Man, seashells are beautiful. UM—I MEAN GAY. SEASHELLS ARE GAY.

9. Seashells are gay.

If you like seashells so much maybe you should put them in your gay butthole, fairy.

10. Die living by a reductive idea of what it means to be a man.

Dying is the most masculine thing ever, dude. It’s going to get you so much pussy. After a long life of perpetuating the male macho stereotype, you’re finally done! It’s important not to forget step #1 as you come to the end of your life. That means no crying, whimpering, or sulking about how you could’ve done things differently. Do not go gentle into that good night, pussy. Take death it as it comes, and take it honorably. Take it like a man. TC mark

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