How To Sound Informed At Happy Hour (Weekly News Recap, 5/2)

Do you ever feel like the topics discussed at happy hour are a foreign language? Like, “how did I miss that viral video?” or “a plane really disappeared last month?” To get you up to speed for tonight’s happy hour discussions, I compiled the below list on the essentials. It would be nice to sound like you actually care about what’s going on in the world.

Tornadoes rip through the South: Death tolls have reached 30 in the states of Oklahoma, Arkansas, Mississippi, and Alabama. Tornado season had a comparatively slow start in 2014, but this week’s storms is still baffling meteorologists. Warnings are still active in many southern states.

Your take: “God bless those unfortunate families. Aaaaaand why would anyone want to live there?”

George Clooney gets engaged: George Clooney confirms engagement to Amal Alamuddin, an Oxford educated international human rights lawyer. While millions of middle aged women got their hearts broken this week, even more were encouraged to focus on their professional life and remain an independent, career-oriented women who breaks the traditional mold of getting married too young.

Men’s take: “homeboy scored a real catch. Does it get more perfect?”

Women’s take: “see, that could be me, mom, shut up about the “boyfriend” thing. By the way, I couldn’t be happier that the stereotypical cat-lady age rose from 35 to 38 this week. Every day counts.”

Botched execution of Oklahoma lady-killer: A 38 year-old man who shot a 19 year-old woman and watched his buddies bury her alive had a new fatal chemical injected into his veins which failed to kill him. He died of a heart attack 50 minutes later.

Your take: “Although I’m all about human rights and against unusual punishment, karmas a bitch.”

Star Wars Episode VII cast revealed: Aside from the original cast members Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher (who’s still as sexy as she was in the 80’s), and Mark Hammill (who was definitely sexier in the 80’s), the biggest buzz surrounding this cast is “Girls” star Adam Driver. Others include John Boyetta, Daisy Ridley, Andy Serkis, Max von Sydow, and a handful of other people you don’t know.

Your take: “STOKED.”

Jay-Z and Beyoncé announce they are touring together: The tour starts in Miami on June 25^th, and America’s hip-hop Kennedy’s are likely to put on an unforgettable show.

Your take: “I really respect the fact that they have found a balance between entertaining their fans and living a traditional, supportive family-life for Blue Ivy.”

Alabama athlete dies saving girlfriend: A star swimmer and student at University of Alabama held up a concrete wall so his girlfriend could crawl away during a rampaging tornado in his hometown. He was easy on the eyes too.

Your take: “George Clooney, step aside. Faith in humanity real men restored.”

Donald Sterling is a racist bigot: As if this story wasn’t shoved down your throats enough this week, here’s a gentle recap.  Donald Sterling, owner of the Los Angeles Clippers, was recorded implying he didn’t want black people in pictures with his girlfriend or have them at his games. He was fined the NBA’s maximum of a $2.5 million and banned from the NBA for life. Other owners unanimously voted for him to sell the team. Interested buyers include Magic Johnson, Puff Daddy, Floyd Mayweather, Matt Damon, and Oprah. If this topic is still being discussed after seven minutes, start punching people in the face. Kindly (square in the eye) remind them that while our country focuses on comments one billionaire made, majority of Africa doesn’t have running water. Here’s a great piece on why this story matters (hint: it doesn’t).

Your take: “God shut up. How are your parents?”

Putin continues to shit on global foreign policy: Ukraine expects Russia, who has already invaded the eastern part of Ukraine, to infiltrate other parts of their country. The Obama administration is in talks with other government entities to apply further economic and political sanctions against Russia.

Your take: “Global sanctions works, just look at our progress with North Korea.”

Benghazi emails released: Republicans have pushed for further investigation into the Benghazi situation of 2012, in which four American diplomats were killed. Jay Carney stumbled when answering questions regarding the (now public) White House’s public relations directive given to employees on Susan Rice’s (US ambassador to the United Nations) position on the cause and handling of the attack. Even MSNBC acknowledged the traction of this “scandal” yesterday. Shits cray.

Your take: “Whatever dude, politicians are all the same.”

The Dow Jones Industrial Average Hit an All-Time High: The DJIA hit a historical high on Wednesday of 16,580, proving investors have confidence in the future performance of the world’s largest companies. Other than that, April reports show America’s middle-class is no longer the world’s most prosperous and America’s income disparity is also at an all-time high, according to MSN Money.

Your take: “Sweet, the rich keep getting richer while the poor get poorer.”

Other light reading for your Friday afternoon:

We’re all waiting for this whale to explode (you’ll want to watch the video)

Princeton freshman’s epic response to “check your privilege” goes viral