10 Questions You’ve Always Wanted To Ask Americans (A Response)

 I’d first like to thank you for asserting that the stereotypes of the average American are highly misleading. Though a handful of us are indeed arrogant toward true international relations (I’m looking at you Texas), most of us have a firm grasp on how the world really works. Having been born in the United States and raised as a proud American, I believe myself to be qualified enough to answer your inquiries. (And yes, I know that these answers do not apply to all Americans, all the time, everywhere.)

1. Can someone explain to me this obsession that you have with bacon?

Aside from bacon being God’s greatest gift to earth, I think the normalcy of eating it with breakfast has more to do with the psyche than with the incredible flavor and succulent juices. It’s like waking up to the smell of coffee, or waking up to the smell of Cinna-buns as a child on Christmas morning. There are many moods and feelings one can wake up to, but nothing beats that of nostalgia.

2. Why do you turn your elections into reality-television pageantry?

Most Americans would agree with you 100% on this. We don’t choose to do this, I promise. You see, our whole countries mass media coverage is owned by just 6 companies, and we rarely have a say as to what garbage will be shoved down our throats on any given day. I personally don’t give a shit who spent $200 on a haircut, whose daughter is gay or had a baby out of wedlock, or whose middle name is Hussein. Apparently, the talking heads which spew poison at us common folk think that by deterring our attention from the issues that actually matter, they will alter the electoral outcome. Oftentimes they are correct. That’s the nature of the beast, unfortunately.

3. While we are on the subject of elections — Sarah Palin?

John McCain, in a clearly desperate attempt, tried to scoop up Hilary Clinton’s female and mostly democratic voter base for his 2008 elections. It’s a small crowd when trying to find a vetted and experienced Republican woman who could appeal to majority of the conservative base. Enter Sarah Palin, wearing a wolf skin onesie she carved herself after hunting it down with a Bowie knife.

Honestly man, we all know she belongs in a nuthouse, which makes it really fun watching her try to be taken seriously. It’s like watching a toddler try and walk for the first time; you really want to help but you’re having too much fun observing.

4. Does the enjoyment of baseball come from some sort of sadomasochistic instinct?

Three words can sum this one up; beer, hot dogs, and tradition.

5. Why do you tie people to chairs and injecting deadly poison into their veins?

Without trying to plug my personal views on this one, I will address the question with the state of mind of the average American who supports lethal injection (again, looking at you Texas). Let’s say you have a wife that you love. She completes your world and you can’t live without her, for she mothered your children and gives you unconditional love. One day, while walking the dogs, a man grabs her, rapes her, and then strangles her, leaving her beaten and abused body in a ditch a few miles down the road. Upon hearing the news, they also inform you they found the man a few towns away trying to snatch another woman. As the general supporter of lethal injection, I want that man off the streets and sent directly to hell, because he is evil and I have daughters.

6. Why do you act like the concept of Socialism is an ideological black plague?

Our country was based on many values, one of the most important being that we can take care of ourselves. After centuries of monarchs convincing people they need the royal structure, a few courageous men stood up to exclaim they didn’t need anyone to look after them. Fast forward two hundred years, including many bumps in the road, and this train of thought is visible in our mentality and our laws. Understanding that many people need assistance to become completely independent, we have created many warranted socialist programs since FDR’s presidency. However, the last 100 years has created such a stigma on the word “socialism” it compels us to use words like aid, relief, and “necessary tools.”

7. Why do [you] insist on measuring things with feet?

We’re stubborn and don’t like change.

8. Is it really that hard to disagree on everything and agree on healthcare?

Most Americans agree that everyone should have access to affordable health care. It’s like having access to affordable education, which can only benefit a society and create a better future for the country. What most of us don’t agree with is being forced to adhere to a law regarding our own health that was written by sleazy politicians and lawyers. I would have rather seen doctors, economists, and general folk write a bill that, for the first time in our country, mandates a personal objective. I don’t mind paying more in taxes so my children and the needy can see the same doctor, I just want to see a bill passed that’s not stuffed with pork and packaged as a necessity. I mean seriously, how do you write and pass a law in six months that mandates 300 million people to buy something your life relies on. This should have taken years to develop, and its quality would have been reflected in the details.

9. What is this obsession that you people have with all things deep-fried?

It’s not so much an obsession with all things deep fried as it is a lack of concern for our own health (reference question 8). Don’t get me wrong, I love deep fried pickles and onion rings as much as the next fatass, but with obesity rates exceeding 35%, I agree that we should probably skip the deep fried sticks of butter at the state fair. Never heard of deep fried coke, but hell, I’d try it.

10. Is it really necessary to have 11 freaking airplane carriers?

Actually, its 40, and yes, it’s necessary. I’ll direct this question to the English, who don’t speak German thanks to us. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. That said, we could do without most of the 700+ military bases in 130 countries.