How To Write For A Major Publication
- Pitch an idea to an editor.
- Editors are angry, woeful people with coal black hearts and eyes like pissholes in the snow. Be sure to title your emails with one or more of the following words: “Gender politics”, “Check Out My Band”, or “Quim.”
- Rejection is part of the process. Be prepared for rejection and accept it gracefully.
- If rejected, whine until an editor accepts something, be it a haiku or a string of random words.
- Outline your article. What is it about? Why is it important?
- Having answered those last two questions, now answer the most important question: how will this make you look? Can you get laid from this?
- Begin writing article.
- Stop after five words.
- Space out indefinitely.
- Cue montage of clock winding forward very fast and page-a-day calenders flipping forward. Congratulate self on creation of minor plot forwarding special effects technique.
- When editor asks for finished piece, tell them you’re “making some final changes.” These final changes are the beginning, middle, and end of the piece. Do not mention this.
- Procrastinate further.
- Remember: editors are like your parents. They will give you money in return for you giving them disappointment.
- There is nothing an editor loves more than to be forwarded chain emails.
- Wait until minutes before your last already-been-pushed-back-three-times deadline. This is what we call the “Bourne” moment. It will create suspense.
- End article with “… and that’s what she said.”
- Having completed step 16, you may now finally send your finished piece to the editor.
- “Accidentally” send it fifteen more times; tell them your “email is broken.” Everyone knows the email machine always breaks. It’s not unlike the subway.
- Within fifteen minutes, send an invoice for twice the amount you had previously agreed on.
- Complain publicly and bitterly about lack of payment until you get your final check.
- Harass editors constantly about payment. Commit arson on a bridge. Take pictures. Send picture of burning bridge to editors. They love creative metaphors.
- Spend money entirely on drugs, hookers, and hookers made entirely out of drugs.
- Repeat process.
A | A | A
Experiment so you know exactly what you want, but keep your number low.
Go break a leg!
…Why? Because JAMES FRANCO, that’s why.
Until this year, I’d always though that my depression wasn’t really “depression,” but more a product of me being anxious and unhappy in my (static) environment.