On The Time My Roommate Left His OKCupid Dating Profile Open On My Computer
Name: Triefus McMurderpants
My self-summary: Hi ladies. My name, as you saw from above, is Triefus McMurderpants. And I am here to make you sweat.
What I’m doing with my life: I’m a bit of a renaissance man. While I am not, as of this moment, what you would call “employed,” I more than make up for it with a litany of hobbies, including arts and crafts, light bondage, and building homemade Panini presses. (To make these, I tie two clothing irons together with dental floss. Boom. Homemade Panini press.)
I’m really good at: Building homemade Panini presses.
The first things people usually notice about me: The winning attitude. The confidence. My ability to walk into a new space and immediately feel out the situation, assess who are the power players in the room and then win them over with a combination of quick wit and sheer force of personality.
Also the harelip. Lot of people notice that.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:
Books: Machiavelli’s The Prince, William Gaddis’ The Recognitions, Beverly Cleary’s Beezus and Ramona.
Movies: Anything (and when I say anything, I mean ANYTHING) with Kate Hudson.
Music: I prefer silence.
The six things I could never do without
- Social security card
- Oxygen (because I couldn’t breathe without it. Duh.)
- First edition of Beezus and Ramona.
- A copy of my social security card.
- The immense Freudian regret I feel for the loss of my relationship with my mother
I spend a lot of time thinking about: Vengeance.
On a typical Friday night I am: Plotting vengeance. Or re-reading Beezus and Ramona. Sometimes both.
I’m looking for
Girls who like guys
Whole lot of buttplay
Ages 22-35 OR 56-79
You should message me if…
…you are looking for your wildest dreams to be exceeded. Women who spend time with me will immediately find happiness, glamour, and inner satisfaction. And by happiness, glamour and inner satisfaction, I mean chlamydia.
A | A | A
1. They treat a waitress poorly.
How many resumes have we submitted, never to hear a reply? How many slices of dollar pizza have we barely been able to afford this week?
“WE WERE ON A BREAK!”
If she’s showing up in every one of your profile pictures, I’m going to assume she’s your girlfriend.