The Most Perfect Legally Binding Facebook Status Update To Protect Your Facebook Status Updates From Being Stolen By Facebook
Being that everything I post on Facebook was not ALWAYS posted in sound mind and disposition, I heretofore claim that all the material on my Facebook wall will remain in ownership unto me, and will not belong to Facebook, YouTube, Google, uh, Instagram, Pinterest, and anything else that I have may have forgotten, NOR any of their subsidiaries, if they have any of those.
Now that I have heretofore laid out, I want to especially stick a special fat Privacy notice, heretofore referred to as “Double Secret Whammy Privacy Stamp” on any pictures of me chugging beverages which may or may not have alcohol in them, or using or being around any illegal drugs including but not necessarily entailing marijuana, cocaine, or any other illicit materials heretofore referred to as “stuff potential bosses would frown upon, probably, if I ever got a job.”
This notice does NOT take into consideration that by using Facebook, which is a free service, “The Guy Who Wrote This” is accepting their terms and conditions. That would be logical under the law, which this lawyerly notice is not interested in. Instead, this random Facebook post will presume to stand above the law, and ignore the fact that if I really wanted to protect my privacy I would just delete my Facebook account.
This lawyerly notice heretofore refuses to address the hypocrisy of using a company’s product and then perpetually complaining about said product. This notice also refuses to acknowledge the argument that using Facebook 10 hours a day and complaining about it for eight of them is akin to washing your hair every day with bleach and then screaming how mad you are that your hair is yellow-green and falling out in patches.
Vis a vis, heretofore this privacy notice is binding law, and by generating up to four “Likes” on this post, will enter into a binding legal judgment re: the Goldstein-Lebow Ruling of 1982. Adjudged, viewed, and bonded by a court-ordered viewer of all Facebook material, heretofore signed on this day, the twenty-sixth of November, the year of our lord two thousand and twelve.
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Seriously, this is so wonderful I don’t even want you to waste your time reading an intro. Just please watch this now.
They have lived in Manhattan for years and think that buying a pair of skinny jeans and a flannel will make them transition from a natural bread Upper East Sider to a Brooklynite.
The music is too loud — thus preventing you from properly humblebragging about your career accomplishments.
You willingly dedicate, at the very least, two hours to binge watch a television show or movie together on a daily basis.