This post is about a hobby of mine. And that hobby is to On-Demand movies that I have a passing interest in, and then fast forward through the entire thing. Thus, I get to “watch” the movie without having to actually invest that much time in it.
I’ve seen a ton of movies this way. It’s wonderful. Plug it in, fast forward it, slow down at parts with big explosions or fights or sexy scenes or whatever, you’re done in 20 minutes. Plus it’s silent, so you can listen to good tunes when you’re watching. (I was blasting The Marked Men’s excellent album Fix My Brain for the whole thing, if you want the total sensory experience.)
The problem, of course, with this practice, is that you often miss out on a lot of “details” and “plot” and “character.” But whatever. I fill that in for myself. And I thought it’d be funny to write about this process.
So, criteria for picking a movie to fast-forward watch.
- It has to be free on On-Demand. I’m not shelling out $3.99 to vaguely watch a movie.
- Well, there is no two. It’s just one. It just has to be free. That’s the only criteria.
OK, we’re going to kick off this game with the 1996 classic, The Craft, which I have not seen but remember being tempted to rent at the video store in like 6th grade because I had a crush on Neve Campbell. It goes without saying that this entire post is one big fast-forwarded spoiler, so consider yourself alerted. Without further ado…
Alright, we start with our main character, I’m guessing, riding in the rain with her parents. I absolutely know this actress and I cannot think where she’s from. In the interest of telling this tale, I’m going to call her “Lead Girl.” Lead Girl and her parents show up a creepy old house, with a leaking roof. She’s clearly just moved here.
And boom! First scary scene of the movie. Creepy dude pops out of nowhere. Dad comes to help, but guy is gone. What’s that, Dad, you don’t believe me? He was there! We’ve got an official Ghost Alert.
Alright, cut to first day of school. Drops off Lead Girl at the front place. The school is a Catholic school, because of course it’s a Catholic school.
Cut to the girl from who played Vicki Valencourt in The Waterboy, Neve Campbell at her angstiest, and a black actress who I think was Dave Chapelle’s love interest in Half Baked. For those of you keeping score at home, I will now refer to them as Vicki Valencourt, Angsty Neve Campbell, and Half-Baked. You’re welcome.
Vicki Valencourt has a noose in her locker, because what 17-year-old doesn’t?
First class of the day. Still trying to figure out where the Lead Girl is from. What movie is she in? Tip of my tongue.
Skateboarder dude from Clueless shows up! Man. The 90s were wonderful. He’s clearly the class clown.
Uh oh, some guys are picking on new girl. To deal with being picked on, Lead Girl makes a face at them, and then balances a pencil on her desk. TWIST: she balances the pencil from the tip. Any kid knows that’s impossible. Angsty Neve Campbell sees this feat, and thinks one thing: this Lead Girl has serious angst potential.
Good looking dude, who isn’t the guy from 90210 but might as well be, is talking to her. Always gotta go for the new girl in class, don’t you, Not Jason Priestly?
Half-Baked, Angsty Neve Campbell, and Vicki Valencourt meet up with Lead Girl after school. “Want to be friends?” they ask. Duh.
Now they all take a trip to the Witch Store. Seriously, there’s a witch store. With like, witch stuff. Lead Girl buys some sort of book.
Encounter with homeless guy, who is bugging the girls and then gets SMOKED by a car! Fuck you, Homeless Guy! This is like a Mitt Romney commercial.
OK, now all the girls are chilling on a red couch which is in the middle of a park, because that’s a thing.
Vicki Valencourt giving our Lead Girl a hard time. Can’t get in the group that easy, Lead Girl! This is literally killing me I cannot figure out where this actress is from.
Cut to Lead Girl on a roof with Not Jason Priestley. First question: how did dude find her? Cell phones weren’t around then, were they? Second question: when is homegirl’s curfew? She’s been out for like 15 hours, and it’s is the first day of school. Lax parenting.
Next day at school. We’re at a diving meet, because every movie in the 80s and 90s had a diving meet. Half-Baked does a flip, but it isn’t good, maybe? Other girls are laughing at her. I can’t properly judge form at 2x fast forward speed.
Ok, just cut to the hospital. No idea what’s going on right now. Neve Campbell is getting a spinal tap? Maybe? WOAH. Neve Campbell’s back is FUCKED. Like, scaly and stuff. No wonder she’s so angsty.
Cut to Vicki Valencourt’s house. She has white trash parents, because she’s Vicki Valencourt.
Ok, next day. Road trip! All of our girls go to a field, prick fingers with knife, drink out of the witch cup which I’m presuming they picked up for $6.99 on sale at the Witch Store.
Locusts gone. Cut to class again. Next day, I guess. Not Jason Priestly is hitting hard on our Lead Girl, who is DEFINITELY THE CRAZY GIRL FROM EMPIRE RECORDS WHO SHAVES HER HEAD. Jesus. Thank God I figured that out. I wasn’t going to sleep tonight.
Lead Girl will now be referred to as “Empire Records.” Adjust accordingly.
OK, now it’s night time. They’re at one of the witch’s house. Séance. And Half-Baked is floating! We officially have witch powers!
Back in school. Cliché blond girl is mean to them in the hallway. And then clichéd blond girl’s hair falls out. Dude, that’s like rule number one. You don’t fuck with angsty teenage witches. Come on.
Now we go back to hospital. What the fuck is up with Angsty Neve Campbell’s back? Doctors are poking at it, and THEN IT IS HEALED. HEALED, I say. They peeled off her scars like sunburn-peeled skin, and yet again I wish this fast forward thing moved faster.
Cut to Vicki Valencourt’s house. White Trash Dad and Mom are being mean, and VV is freaking out, and then the house explodes. White Trash Mom sits down VV and is like, yo, what happened back there with the house blowing up?
Wait. Now it’s the next day. OK, lawyer shows up. Someone died and left them a lot of money, maybe? OR DID THEY? WITCHCRAFT!
OK, now VV and her mom are moving in to a new penthouse. White Trash Dad is gone. Girls are all hanging out in sweet penthouse, which I guess they won in the witch lottery.
Another séance, Empire Records just changed her hair blond. Then back again. Houston, we have shape-shifting.
Back at Empire Records’ house. Not Jason Priestly shows up at the window, but pops squashes it. Dad, come on! Empire Records can protect herself! She’s a fucking witch!
Back to witch store. Re-up on that witch gear.
Now to the beach! Beach séance. Man. Shit is happening. So many séances.
Lightning storm. ARE THEY LOSING CONTROL?
OK. Something crazy just happened, but I couldn’t really figure out what. It’s morning now, and the girls are all waking up, and holy shit Vicki Valencourt just walked on water. You aren’t supposed to walk on water! That’s for Jesus and Jesus only! You know what they call that, kids? Hubris.
Dead sharks now. Lots of dead sharks. Everywhere. All over the beach. Empire Records is like Oh shit, did I do that? in what I presume is an Urkel voice.
Vicki Valencourt is driving a red Corvette, and sick with power. Man, it’s really a shame Adam Sandler murdered this chick’s career.
OK back in the locker room. Clichéd blond girl is sitting on the floor of the shower (in a towel, pervs) and bald, and this is gross, and I feel bad. When will the carnage stop?
Night time now. Not Jason Priestly wants to make out with Empire Records in his …also red Corvette? Was Corvette a sponsor of this film? Empire Records is NOT having it though, and NJP is all “come on baby girl,” but she says no, and now she’s running up a hill, but NJP tackles her! Rape scene alert! But no, no she gets away. Well done, Empire Records.
ER runs to her friend’s house. Vicki Valencourt is pissed. Vengeance time.
OK Vicki is at a party, and gets NJP, and leads him up to bedroom. He’s shwasted, clearly. Leans back, and then Vicki straight up transforms into Empire Records, and they start going at it.
Now the REAL Empire Records shows up, and she’s all like, Yo, girl, you can’t be me and then do my guy, even if he did just try to forcefully have sex with me on the side of the road. Vicki Valencourt reasons with that logic, then throws Not Jason Priestly off the roof. LATER NJP!
It’s spinning out of control. Empire Records needs to end this.
BUT VICKI VALENCOURT WON’T LET HER.
OK Empire Records goes back to witch store. These girls are keeping this shop in fucking business. OH! OH NO. DONT GO INTO PENTAGRAM WITH WITCH LADY! DON’T DO IT. She did it. Something exploded, or something.
OK Empire Records now goes home. Um…snakes. Lot of snakes. And worms. Meltdown. Not sure what’s happening.
SO MANY SNAKES. INDIANA JONES WOULD NOT LIKE THIS.
Now, um, snakes are gone. But the other three witches are floating in the foyer. NEVER GOOD WHEN THE WITCHES FLOAT IN THE FOYER.
Um, little lost. Empire Records is laying down and craziness is going on. Think she cut her wrists, maybe? She just popped out of a mirror. Ruh roh. Now it’s time for a showdown with Vicki Valencourt.
Witch-off! Vicki Valencourt’s hair turns to snakes, maybe. They’re talking a lot. Lot of angst. Then all hell breaks loose. Empire Records just disappeared. VV whipped out a huge knife? INSANITY! INSANITY! Something just happened! Too fast. Not sure.
Morning time. Angsty Neve Campbell and Half-Baked show up to Empire Records’ house and are like, “About last night…Sorry…” and then she stares hard at them and there’s a lightning storm. Then it clears up.
Cut to Vicki Valencourt in a mental asylum. She’s clawing at her face, perhaps because she realizes that Adam Sandler is going to end her career in like three years.
What did I learn? Um, watch out for the angsty girls in high school, because they are 100% going to be shape-shifting witches who rip apart your face and then star in The Waterboy.