The World’s Worst Wedding Speech
OK. OK. Ha. OK. What’s up… party people? How’s everybody feeling TONIGHT?! Man, OK.
Yeah, I’m fine. Hold on. Yes. Stop helping me. I’m fine.
So, how’s everyone doing?
I SAID I’M FINE. JUST SIT DOWN, UNCLE TOM. I’M FINE.
OK. So man, here we are. My big brother, getting married. My best friend. Aww. Yeah. Everyone say “aww.” EVERYONE SAY “AWW.”
…Where’s my drink? Has anyone? Oh. There it is. In my hand. Ha.
Where was I? My best friend. My big brother. His big day. A lot of you might have thought that I was going to get up here and be upset. Be sad that I’m losing my big brother to this bi… to this lady. CALM DOWN. I SAID LADY.
But you know what? You know what? You knoowww what?
I’m not sad. I’m happy. I’m as happy as a clam.
Clam. Ha. Clam.
Because you know, my brother Eddie, he needed this. You can’t go through your whole life being totally awesome, I guess. Or at least that’s what my DAD said when he wouldn’t loan me the $15,000 to start my new company.
Yeah, I said it. A company. A web app. It’s a game called Pants Cop. You pants a cop in the game, you see. WAIT. What am I doing? That is propriet… propieta… proprietary information. If anyone uses that I’ll sue your pants off. HA! Pants off! Just like in the game!
SHH. DON’T TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT.
What am I talking about?
Oh. So yeah. Eddie is throwing his life away. OH… CALM DOWN EVERYONE. Let’s be adults here, for a minute. OK? He’s getting married to this “lady” (wink) and then he’s going to have kids and then he’s going to be dead. Yeah. No thanks. Sorry.
Let me just say that when we were up in Montreal for the bachelor party he wasn’t practicing his self-written vows. Amiright, guys? Guys?
Ha. Whatever. I don’t care. ENOUGH, UNCLE TOM. SIT DOWN. JUST SIT DOWN.
What I’m trying to say is that life is short, OK people? And here I am, busy being awesome, and just kicking ass and taking names, but no. No one recognizes that. I’m “the problem kid” and I “need to get a job” and I “need to stop living in the basement” and I “shouldn’t look at my cousin like that.”
Well, SORRY EVERYONE. Sorry for keeping it real over here.
What? What’s that? My time is up? Alright. Alright then. Well, then let’s raise our glasses, huh? SIT DOWN UNCLE TOM FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST. JUST SIT DOWN.
Let’s raise our glasses to the man and the “lady.” And if anyone doesn’t understand what I mean when I say “lady,” I mean “bitch.”
FINE. OK. I’M LEAVING. I’M LEAVING. AND SHUT THE FUCK UP UNCLE TOM. I CAN HEAR YOU FROM HERE.
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Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.