6 Types Of People You Can Watch A Presidential Debate With
1. The Person Who Got Dragged There And Has Absolutely No Interest in What’s Occurring
This person got dragged to the debate party by a significant other, a significant other who probably works in politics, so this person knows he really has to be there to support her, but to be totally and completely honest could not give two shits about what happens in this debate, but still has to show up lest he be accused of “not CARING about our country,” so he puts on a happy face and grins and bears it. He is a guy who gets the shivers at the very sound of two people arguing at loud volume, so he sits in a corner and drinks his beer and furtively checks ESPN on his phone every two minutes.
2. The Know It All Person
She knows Obama’s exact voting record in the senate and the name of every assistant who served under Romney while he was running the Olympics. She knows polling data. She knows the electoral map better than I know the current locations of several of my immediate family members. This person doesn’t yell at the TV… but rather quietly clucks to herself when either of the candidates says something she knows not to be true, then silently shakes her head when you ask her why she clucked. She knows. She knows.
3. The Person Who Apparently Believes The People On The Stage Can Actually Hear Him/Her
This person does yell at the TV. Often. In a way that makes you realize just how insane it is to yell at a TV, even though you’ve done so before while watching sporting events or a scary movie. Something about yelling at politicians to clarify their positions through a digital screen makes you realize just how insane yelling at a TV is.
4. The Drunk Person
This person just came to party. She’s got the Debate Party Drinking Game official rules laminated, the white wine chilled, her game face on. She doesn’t much care what the President’s fiscal policy for the next four years is, but she is prepared to put a generous glass of Pinot Grigio straight to her dome if he says “47%.”
5. The Constantly Checking Twitter Person
This guy has his phone open for the entirety of the debate, randomly cackling at weird moments, and then trying to provide the context/set-up/punchline of a tweet from a comedian that no one has ever heard of. When no one laughs, he shakes his head, exasperated, and goes back to re-tweeting silly things on the internet. (Note: I am more or less this person.)
6. The Libertarian Person
This person is not playing the Debate Party Drinking Game, but he is drinking more than anyone there. He isn’t so much concerned with what is said in the debate as he is disgusted with entire essence of what’s happening here. He’ll snap occasionally about two sides of the same coin, and maybe yell something about the legalization of marijuana, until eventually he storms off, mumbling about Gary Johnson.
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I wish I could know if she was always like this, or if it slowly came on. I can’t ask her because she doesn’t understand that she has an issue. She is willing to admit it for help, but not willing to admit it to fix it.
When a customer demands sugar-free/ fat-free/ decaf anything and asks for extra of the aforementioned, do not trust them. Ever. Then proceed to take a drink.
11. Hookah Bars were like…really cool.
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