October 28, 2012

10 Characters From Space Jam And Whether Or Not You Should Marry Them

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Bugs Bunny

Wisecracking, delightful. You always know that Bugs can make you laugh. Then again, his intimacy doesn’t seem to go beyond smacking huge kisses on the lips of both males and females, and he also only seems to eat carrots, which would probably get old after a while. But you can get over that. Laughter is the way to someone’s heart. It may get frustrating when he’s constantly running around, hassling the Fudd when you’d just like a night in with a movie, but you also have to remember that he is a cartoon rabbit.

Marriage Material Rating: 7/10

Lola Bunny

Objectively gorgeous, and I would rank Lola Bunny just ahead of Jessica Rabbit in my all-time pantheon of animated beauties. (Lola leaves a little more to the imagination. Come on, Jessica Rabbit. We know you got it. You don’t always have to flaunt it.) Fiercely independent, competitive, can hold her own in an intergalactic basketball showdown. Also a pretty solid cross-over move, if you’re into that sort of thing. Negatives: not many, aside from the fact that she is a fictional animated rabbit.

Marriage Material Rating: 8/10

Michael Jordan

If this was 1998, I can’t think of many people who would rate higher on this Marriage Material Rating scale. Now, however, with Mike entering his “I dress like a combination between Big Daddy Kane and Shredder from Ninja Turtles” phase, and him pretty clearly having a gambling problem, and the whole thing with him owning/running the worst pro basketball team in the country… well, the score would be lower.

I’m being unfair. The point of this article is to judge Space Jam characters. I’m not judging Michael Jordan the man. I’m judging Michael Jordan the character in Space Jam. And he is awesome in this movie, and I love him with all my heart.

Marriage Material Rating: 10/10

Stan Podolak

A bit chubby, a bit bumbling. Doesn’t contribute much to The Toons on the floor, and surprisingly offers little by way of motivation from the bench. Has a good heart and is on the side of the good guys, so you have to give him credit there. As a husband, however, you want a little more backbone. You don’t always need a man to be the star of the team, but do you really want the last guy off the bench?

Marriage Material Rating: 3/10

Bill Murray

I know for Michael Jordan I separated the character from the movie from the real life man, but I am not going to do that for Bill Murray. Why? Because I don’t think Bill Murray is playing a character in Space Jam. I’m not 100% convinced Bill Murray understood he was in a movie while filming Space Jam. I think he showed up at a court, saw Michael Jordan shooting some hoops, and thought it was hilarious Michael Jordan seemed to be talking to imaginary little people, and so he joined in, and a film was born. I will not listen to evidence to prove me wrong.

Marriage Material Rating: 11/10.

Shawn Bradley

Shawn Bradley is a former NBA center, and in the movie one of the Monstars steals his basketball playing ability. I always thought this was a real plot hole in the movie. If you were going to steal someone’s basketball ability, why would you pick a dude who never made an All-Star team and got dunked on a lot? I don’t remember the exact way the final plays went down, but if I had to bet on it, it was probably the Monstars’ inability to protect the rim because they decided to steal the talent of a middling NBA center.

As for marriage, the dude is 7’6’’. That is a foot taller than any human being has any business being.

Marriage Material Rating: 4/10 if you are normal heighted, 7/10 if you are above 6’8’’.

Yosemite Sam

Gun nut. Loose temper. Favorite mode of transportation is to shoot his pistols at his feet and have that act as some sort of propulsion system to move him forward. Unstable at best. Violent at worst.

Marriage Material Rating: 1/10.

Bupkus The Purple Monstar

I always thought Bupkus got a bad rap. When he was one of the Nerdlucks, his bow-tie was very dapper, and you can’t really fault him for playing with the rage when he’s got Larry Johnson’s blood and talent coursing through his veins. He’s a monster, yes, but he’s got a good heart. And he can dunk the hell out of a basketball. Would I recommend him for marriage? Of course not. But judge not, ya know?

Marriage Material Rating: 3/10.

Mister Swackhammer

Hard to defend Mister Swackhammer. Evil warlord. Enslaved the Nerdlucks. He’s also, well, portly. Not a lot going on here. He is wealthy, so if you’re just trying to marry someone to get that payday when the Monstars eventually rocket him to kingdom come, I’m not going to stop you.
Marriage Material Rating: 2.2/10

Pepé le Pew

The true test of your commitment to love. Pepé is one of the last romantics out there. And yes he might come on a little strong, and yes he might smell poorly, and yes he might be a “cartoon skunk,” but if you cannot let someone love you like Mr. le Pew will love you, what hope do you have? What hope do we all have?

I don’t even know what I’m talking about.

Marriage Material Rating: 5/10 TC mark

image – Space Jam

Nathan Savin Scott

Nathan Savin Scott is a writer based in Washington, DC. He enjoys writing about music, sports, and was briefly a High …

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