Instagramming Your Way To Relevancy
Recently, scientists made history by taking a 26-year-old writer and, through an experimental procedure, put his entire being through an Instagram filter. These interviews were conducted before and after the procedure.
Before: Nate Scott.
After: They call me Alfónso… just Alfónso.
Where are you from?
Before: I live in Washington, DC.
After: I reside in the District.
We’re going to show you some colors, and we’d like for you to identify them:
Before: …Red… Blue…Yellow…Orange…Green…Brown…Black…Purple.
What music do you like to listen to?
Before: I listen to mostly indie rock, with a lot of hip hop thrown in. Some of my all-time favorites are Spoon, Deerhunter, and Madvillain. I can also get down with house and dubstep if the mood is right. Put me at a football game with a cold beer and hell, I’ll even listen to country. I consider myself a guy who can rock out to anything.
After: The Drive soundtrack on repeat.
Can you describe the last time you had sex?
Before: Um, I met a girl. We got along pretty well. We went back to my place. We had sex. In the morning, I called her a cab.
After: The wipers smeared the tears off the windshield of the black town car. Our fingers touched, fleetingly, in anticipation of the moment to come. The lighting in my house was dark, and only one part of the bedroom was lit, and the rest of the room was blurry in an erotic yet tasteful way. A hazy red tinge hung over us. Our bodies became one, lit up like fireworks in the night sky. At dawn, another driver came to take her to parts unknown, the car seeming to mock me with a dismissive acceleration down the boulevard.
What do you like doing in your free time?
Before: I play soccer a bit, like to watch movies a lot. Reading. Have a drink with my friends. You know, the usual.
After: I stare wistfully over airplane wings at the expanse of clouds below. I do this on the transatlantic flights I take perpetually.
A | A | A
THE NSA IS WATCHING YOU.
Give thanks, love more, and smile often.
The sex that most people are doing now is actually just an invention of the patriarchy. It’s rape.
Do good things come to those who wait? Or do good things come to those who go out and get them?