Q: I am about to have sex for the first time with a girl I have been dating for a while. The problem is that I haven’t shaved my pubes in about two weeks. Should I shave them again and risk having some bad stubble burns or let it go bushy?
A: The best remedy to this situation is to light a small gas lantern at night and place it in your window sill. Then count to 46 seven times. If you feel foolish after doing so, you probably should shave your pubes. If you don’t feel that foolish, you shouldn’t shave your pubes. However, you may repeat the counting until you do feel foolish, in which case you will have to shave your pubes anyways. You can really do anything if you put your mind to it.
Q: I think that my little sister is having sex with my current boyfriend. She told me that they are very close. My boyfriend and I are both 27 and my sister just turned 20. How can I fix this relationship?
A: Is there anything to fix? Do you know everything about what is going on? Are you comfortable where you are? Is it too noisy in your life? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you probably need to go to a quiet spot and inhale deeply. Remember that you are every woman, which sounds a lot harder than it actually is. Once you have actually become every woman, I think the answer is obvious, so why are you hesitating? You go girl! You can really do anything if you put your mind to it.
Q: I’m about to go on a date with someone I met on the internet. What if they aren’t everything I’ve pictured them to be?
A: There are a plethora of movies, television shows, pastiches and other media that would better suit you than a person on the internet. You could explore these options extensively — a hackneyed carton of ice cream and white wine, stuffing a bed with laundry and feeling out for the pulse of someone — or you could go on your date. You can really do anything if you put your mind to it.
Q: My last 2 exes say that I am ‘too clingy’ and ‘anti-social.’ How do I fix this in my next relationship?
A: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. You can really do anything if you put your mind to it. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Q: I’m afraid that my large penis will detract from forming any meaningful relationships with girls, like I’m being used for my ‘endowment’ rather than forming a loving connection with someone. How do I make sure that the girls I meet aren’t playing me?
A: Feel as though the principle of ‘if you’ve got it, flaunt it’ totally applies here. You should totally be nude over 75% of the time. If women flock to you and demand sex, they are probably using you because of the size of your dick. If women seem to run away, they probably aren’t using you; they are just frightened because you are nude. This doesn’t really solve your problem; this just gives you a bigger one, and it’s kind of funny. You can really do anything if you put your mind to it.
Q: I’m about to go to dinner with my girlfriend’s parents. We have been in a relationship for about three months and both of her parents are cops. What do I wear and how do I impress her parents?
A: Slide your hand down your face and make sure that you are real. Then break a small mirror over your head and look at the pieces that are on the ground. If they are there, you are probably grounded in reality and not someone else’s life. Adorn your body with small fruits and foliage. Immediately afterwards put on a shirt and tie, perchance a sweater, and make sure not to disturb the fruit and foliage on your body. If you are serious about this girl, act as though you are happy to be there and do nothing else. If you aren’t serious, act as though you are a dating website profile. You can really do anything if you put your mind to it.
Q: I work in a restaurant and things are ‘heating up’ between me and a co-worker. Should we finally start dating or should we keep things professional and just end our fooling around?
A: You are a terrible person. You will be insignificant for a significant part of your life. You really can really do anything if you put your mind to it
Q: A few weeks ago I came out to my parents. How long do I wait before I tell them I have been dating/having sex with a girl for about two years?
A: When I was sixteen I got my wisdom teeth removed, and when I was coming to the drugs made me scream to the entire waiting room that I was gay and it was weird and that it was okay to feel bad. I don’t talk to anyone now. Except you. I talk to no one and you. You can really do anything if you put your mind to it.