An Arbitrary Number Of Things Some Person Didn’t Tell You About College
By Nathan Graff
1. Dementors are everywhere.
2. College Cafeteria food is actually holographic
3. You’re in the Matrix and every relationship/hookup you have is actually a computer toying with your weak, mortal mind.
4. All dogs go to heaven.
5. While ogres are like onions, legal prostitution is like a banana.
6. Your mother and father are throwing wild ragers at their house celebrating the fact that you’re not there.
7. Your friends and exes are in attendance at aforementioned party.
8. Your dorm hall has an indoor underwater billiards hall that nobody has ever thought to tell you about.
9. You could probably have a German Shepard in your dorm if you want— I mean, it’s not really like the RA will try and evict something barking and snarling at him.
10. On second thought, scratch that, you could probably run a “domestic” wolf farm out of your dorm.
11. Roommates wanting space is a myth. Use their stuff as often as you like, if nothing else, it will create intimacy and a lifelong bond.
12. Fraternities and Sororities are actually your friends dressing up in costumes as other people trying to instill a feeling of inferiority in you. You know, just for laughs.
13. Nobody thinks Doctor Who is cool. They only pretend to think so, so that they may mock you in your absence.
14. The mother who only talks about her worldly examples in a class discussion really actually wants to feel like she’s a part of your peer group and knows just as much as you.
15. iPhones actually do charge in a microwave.
16. Everything electronic that you own can actually charge in a microwave, laptops, zunes, walkmans, toasters, etc.
17. Playing heavy metal in your dorm at insanely loud levels in the wee hours of the morning will gain you friends; they will know you are down to party always.
18. Always write a poor course evaluation at the end of a semester; your professors will get a good laugh and revel in the fact that their students feel comfortable enough to josh around with them.
19. Visit your family as rarely as possible. They’ve just spent the last 18 years with you and will appreciate the peace and quiet.