I’m Sorry I Wasn’t Ready To Be Loved

I loved you. I loved you. I loved you.

I love you.

But what is wrong with me?

I wasn’t ready for commitment with you. I wasn’t ready to compromise. I wasn’t ready to let myself be vulnerable to hurt. I kept trying to find things to hate about you. Every little thing I tried to make them turn against you. But they were shallow, they were irrelevant. I would judge your appearance, just to find something to make myself hate you. I told you I wasn’t ready, and yet I still want you to keep trying for me. Some days I love you. Some days I hate you. And other days I never know how to be around you. You proclaim you love me, and sometimes I love the way you try. But other days your desperation pushes me away. Why do I do this? Why can’t I make up mind? I keep blaming the awkwardness in our conversations, but it’s really just me.

I close myself off to change. I hate change, but sometimes I hate how my life remains constantly in this motion, it’s boring.

I kept you waiting. I frustrated you. I told you to move on to someone else. We’re better off just friends. My love for you will remain from a distance.

But then why does this hurt me? Why do you like my best friend? Why did you have to hurt me this way? Maybe you’re unaware you are, maybe this is what you can’t help. But why am I hurting? Why does this make me sad? Why am I spending my Friday night writing a stupid letter to someone who won’t even read it.

I can’t express this to you. I can’t tell you. If you were to find out, I still wouldn’t be able to hold your hand or be near you. I don’t want to keep you on a leash expecting you to follow me around forever.

The reality of it all is just hitting me. I wished you all the best, but a part of me regrets it. I want you to love me, I want you to be with me. But I can’t bring my body to follow my heart. I can’t bring myself to tell my mind that this is worth it. I’m afraid. I was afraid of losing you if we got together. But I’m losing you anyway.

Why do I push those I love away?

One day you told me, that I should open up to you more. But why was it, when I told you all my deepest and darkest secrets, did I feel so much more alone? Why do I always feel alone?

But I’m alright. I’m okay. I’ll fake a smile and maybe one day it will be real. I’ll congratulate you on it and I’ll pretend like our past won’t come back to haunt us. I’ll be your best friend. I’ll listen to your problems. I’ll always be there, loving you from a distance.

To the person I love, everything will be okay now. You won’t have to wait in agony. You’ll finally be happy. You’ll finally get what you want. That is all I ever wanted for you. I wanted you to be happy… I wanted you to be happy with me. But I couldn’t give that to you. I’m hoping she will make you happier than I ever could.

To the person I love, I wish you all the best. I wish you happy moments with happy endings. And I wish everything will go smooth. I hope she is true to you and will love you the way you want to be loved. If she breaks your heart, she breaks mine along with it because I only want your happiness. I want you to be a better person, and I know she will make you a better person. When you were with me, you changed so much and it scared me. I want the old you back; the hard worker and funny guy. I changed you and it haunts me. Be with someone who makes you better not worse. I made you worse.

To the person I love, I will be okay.