Thought Catalog
March 14, 2017

This Is Why I Am Finally Leaving My Husband

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What is the issue?
Unsplash / Una Kao

More and more, this home becomes miserable. I don’t want to enter my own house anymore. It’s filled with sadness, depression, burden, and anger.

We need to money to survive, but I need you, too. This has been my life for 11 years. Why have I allowed this continue? I am not myself. I am not the woman I was born as. I am the sad angry depressed person our marriage has caused me to become.

I’m trying to break through it all, but it’s hard. I have no help maintaining our home or love life. I have help financially, but that has always been what’s most important. Yes, you work hard every day and so did I.

I still do trying to maintain our home and raise our children. Oh don’t forget I’m trying to pursue my dreams too. Where is the time for that?

My body is breaking down. I don’t want to feel 80 at 32. I don’t want to die before I can enjoy living. I try to tell you, but I get pushed to the side.

I need your support! I need your touch! I need your love! I need you, too!

Is this a marriage or a roomateship? I fell in love with a hard worker, but I also fell in love with a man that loved his family. I fell in love with a man that loved me and showed me love.

I’m sorry for being so supportive and so loving of you that I’ve lost myself. I try not to be extra needy, but I do have needs. I’m sorry to seem so controlling at times. I’m just trying to help us get in a better position so maybe just maybe we can actually live life. Most importantly, so we can live life together.

I’m sorry for being so committed to you and our family. It has caused me tremendous pain. The disagreements that have caused you to be on constant defense might be why you don’t want to spend time with me. Maybe.

Or maybe it’s because of the weight. I’ve gained weight so I’m less attractive. I know.

Well, I’m trying to break through the barrier to loving myself, but it is so difficult. There is this constant anger, stress, sadness, depression, and lack attention that can also be seen as a lack of love for myself. I love myself. I just feel like I’m drowning in a life that I hate. How did I get here?

Husband! These are real feelings that I feel. Feelings I’ve expressed. Feelings that you’ve ignored.

So I’m sorry that this life we live has caused me to turn into an angry, stressed, depressed, sad fat bitch.

I’m grumpy. Why? Refer to the before. I’m sorry husband, but this can’t continue anymore. I am a priority!

If I’m not a priority for you, then I have to be for me. I have to live. I have to love me. I have to love life. I only have one chance at it.

Thank you for the lessons you’ve taught. Thank you for being you. You’ve been consistent the whole way through.

I can’t force you to be who you aren’t. I don’t want to. You’re great! I’m ready to be great as well.

So my love, I have to say farewell. I have to learn to love me again! TC mark