Am I hard to love?
I would always remember this quote saying to let go of people who make you feel like you’re hard to love. And I would always deny that even if you unconsciously make me feel that way, I shouldn’t let you go. I loved you so why would I do so.
But I soon realized that you are no different. You unconsciously make me feel like I’m hard to love. Unconsciously you make me question my worth. You would always make me underestimate myself.
I end up feeling that I’ll never be enough for you to love me. And you unconsciously hurt me too.
These things that you do unconsciously aren’t excuses or alibis. These things we’re already signs and indicators, basically stuff that should’ve pushed me a long time ago to leave you. Despite these, I still chose to stay. I chose you over myself for a few years. I unconsciously did that too. I thought that it was okay until it wasn’t.
I was so engaged and immersed in the thought that you would probably love me the same way I love you, leading me to forget about myself and my own wellbeing. I was too in love with you that I eventually forgot about myself and other things in my life that should’ve mattered.
I gave everything I could, leaving myself feeling empty. I was unconsciously letting everyone consume me. And it was wrong.
It took a long while and a few wounds to make me realize that I should move on.
I would constantly remind myself that I shouldn’t demand anything in return for anything I do for others. But sometimes you have to, especially when people start leaving you empty. They don’t realize that you are also human. You get tired, hurt and end up with nothing to keep you going.
But then again, love is not about being loved back.
And it’s all confusing. With all these philosophies on love, I don’t even know what to believe anymore. Although, even beyond all these sayings on love, there is one I believe and which I choose to live up to.
It’s that everyone is capable of loving and is capable of being loved. And that we have a choice, to love and be loved by the people that matter, by the people who care.
So whenever we feel hopeless and hard to love, it’s best to remember the choice we make everyday, to love and be loved.