I Am Begging You To Date Me

Allow me not to fake surprise towards the existence of so many articles entitled ”Date A Girl Who..” The glamorization of uniqueness, quirkiness or however you want to call deliberately not conforming to ”social norms” is spreading like a nasty rash. It is a nasty rash. Women, typically aged 13 to white-haired-lady-feeding-pigeons-in-the-park, furiously type long texts fraught with line breaks and rare adjectives, trying to convince themselves and the males around them that there are certain criteria someone has to fit to be deemed worthy of their attention.

Date a girl who reads, date a girl who writes, date a girl who drives hovercrafts. Date a girl who drinks 3L of green tea a day despite her kidneys overworking because it makes you think she’s some sort of special being, date a girl who spends hours in vintage stores, looking through secondhand clothing. Date a girl who likes manga and ancient Japanese pottery, date a girl who keeps an assemblage of rubber bands and razors in her drawer to use on her arms, date a girl whose mother once struck so hard she got her baby teeth knocked out. Date a girl who dip dyes her hair in pastel colours and swears she is barely hungry so her thighs will shrink until summer. Date a girl with a dog, with a cat, with a psychotic best friend ruining her life, date a redheaded basic bitch, date a girl who bakes and gulps down apple cider and cusses like a sailor but God forbid you date a girl that admires you and enjoys your presence.

Date a girl in recovery, a girl with low self esteem, a girl who stays up writing contradictory articles concerning the girl you should date and is alarmingly similar to herself. Date a girl who dates girls. Date a girl who does things exclusively because they appear sophisticated and impress losers like yourself that don’t know who to date. Date a girl who shames other women on their preferences and personalities. Date a girl who breathes. Date a girl who doesn’t breathe. How many necrophiliacs have you met in the past few years?

You, my friend, are outstanding now. You are special. Date me. See? It was not that hard.