October 9, 2016

Thank You For Making Me Feel Again, But Please Don’t Break My Fragile Heart

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Ian Schneider
Ian Schneider

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way. Like there’s nothing wrong. Like everything’s exactly in place. Like I am invincible. Like I am all okay. And I have you – whoever you are – to thank for that.

You have contradicted all the forces that have long been shattering me. You have shielded me from all the bullets that seem to be ricocheting off me. You have brought me a spark of light when I thought the darkness was incurable. Thank you – that’s all I can say  – for saving me.

Back then, I would wake up with nothing to look forward to. I would push myself to go through the day with the smile that I’ve tried so hard to fake. I would walk in the campus grounds and go to my classes with nothing but questions of why I’m even existing – why, in the first place, am I breathing. I would sleep with a relief that another day was finally over and I could already go on to the next one. It seemed like life was a tedious routine that I was just waiting to pass.

Now, I wake up with an image of you in my head smiling at me and I’m automatically fine. I flow through time carrying all the memories of you and our conversations that make me feel like I’m in utter and surreal bliss. I walk through these earthly grounds and walk to wherever I’m supposed to go to with a smile on my face – a real one, one that you can see right through my eyes that I’m indeed happy. I sleep with you in my mind and I’m not quite ready to let go of another passing day without you in it. It seems now that life is one big helluva party and I’m at the center having the time of my life.

You have invaded me fully – my heart, my mind, my words. Yes, the most important part of me – my words – you have consumed them, too.

Every day, I write in my journal and suddenly, when I recount all that has happened in the day, you are there. Even when I didn’t see you or talk to you that day, all my words seem to want to talk about and describe are you. And I don’t know if this is a curse I should run away from or a risk I should try to overcome.

Either way, thank you for making me feel this way again.

Thank you for invading what was once a heart numb of all avalanches and intrusions of emotions. I have certainly missed this feeling. Now that I’m drowned in emotion again, I hope you reciprocate it. I hope you don’t leave me hanging or desperately breathing for air at the center of the ocean. Don’t hurt me or break me again. Please. I have felt the pain before and I don’t know if I could stand up from it again if you were to damage me. I wouldn’t know how to pick up the pieces again when I know, for sure, that the blame is on me for letting you trespass in this fragile heart of mine. TC mark

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