October 12, 2016

Dear Women: You Don’t Have To Apologize If You’re Not Into Him

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What is the issue?
James Bates
James Bates

I was reading a question in a relationship forum a few days ago. A young lady had gone on a date with a man. She recognized that she was not interested in dating him, but liked him enough to consider a friendship. She casually said something about that which apparently offended him. Subsequent to that date, due to guilt about her comment, she made multiple efforts to ask him out only to be brushed aside.

It brought to mind a lunch date that I went on several years ago. I recognized that the guy seemed to be a nice person but I was not attracted to him. Out of guilt about what I thought was wasting his time, I paid for lunch.

Looking back and hearing this young lady’s story I think wrong, wrong, wrong.

I was discounting myself and so is she.

Agreeing to a date is just that- agreeing to a date. It is an opportunity to discover if you might be interested in someone. It is not an obligation to be interested and certainly not an obligation to be intimate.

He had the pleasure of your company for an hour or two and you don’t owe him anything more than that. If you discover that you are not interested in the person, you don’t necessarily have to announce it to your date, but even if you do, you don’t have to apologize for it. I certainly feel you should be polite and respectful of your date’s feelings but you do not need to atone for your lack of interest. If he asks you out again you can politely decline.

I believe dating is healthy and necessary, but it sometimes gets a bad rap. Going on dates, whether individual or group dates, are necessary to get to know someone better. But if you are dating someone you have no obligation to be intimate or exclusive unless it is mutually agreed upon.

Too many women short change themselves in the search for the best life partner by either prematurely dating exclusively or prematurely being intimate without receiving a commitment from the guy they are interested in.

These decisions not only waste time in her search for the best life partner, but often cause heartbreak and distress.

So my advice to you is that you use dating as the great tool it was meant to be. Go on as many dates as you need to so that you can meet the right person. If you recognize that you are not interested, move on. But even if you do like the guy, take it slow and keep yourself open to other opportunities until you are sure he is on the same page as you are, and you both make the decision for exclusivity.

Avoid being intimate until based on your wants, needs and values you are personally sure you want to take that step and you are not doing it for him or his feelings.

I believe this will enhance the speed and success in finding the right life partner.
So get out there and date right! TC mark

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