94 Signs You’ve Lived In NYC For Far Too Long (But Wouldn’t Live Anywhere Else Regardless)
By Monica Diaz
1. could have paid your rent with all the $3 umbrellas you’ve bought that broke instantly upon opening
2. get used to the summer sweaty-garbage smells
3. view garbage bags as part of the sidewalk
4. give in and buy a window a/c after 2 unbearable NY summers
5. bike through open fire hydrants in the summer to cool down
6. watch rats on the subway tracks fight over a bag of potato chips
7. are not phased by seeing rats on a daily basis
8. have a key chain full of Duane Reade, CVS, Rite Aid, Key Food, C-Town, NY Sports Club, some yoga studio membership tags.. that you never use
9. are an expert mouse trapper after a few apartment mouse infestations
10. have a permanent New Yorker “don’t mess with me” face
11. want to own a dog someday… but know it will only ruin your social life
12. have lived in at least 5 different apartments… over the span of 2 years
13. speedwalk everywhere
14. hate groups of people who take up the entire sidewalk
15. hate tourists
16. never go to Canal street… Unless an out-of-town friend really wants to, and even then you think twice about it
17. find mcdonalds cups and dog poop once the snow on the sidewalks melts away
18. think a dishwasher is an unattainable luxury
19. think laundry in your building would be luxurious, as well
20. have fought with someone over the last available washer/dryer at the laundromat
21. forgot what central a/c feels like
22. have thought about ordering from Fresh Direct many times.. But have never done it
23. forgot how one orders delivery without Seamless
24. think $1600/month for a 300 sq foot studio in Bedstuy is a great deal
25. jokingly call your friend who hired a maid “bougie”
26. think it’s bizarre to have to pay for heat and hot water
27. are convinced “no brokers fee” apartments don’t really exist
28. still confuse Bedstuy and Bushwick.. Same thing, right?
29. have lived in a “railroad” apartment situation at some point in your brief NYC life
30. hate that you won’t be seated at a restaurant until the entire party is present
31. wonder “What the heck is a brokers fee anyway?”
32. wonder if you will ever live alone with no roommates before age 35
33. think paying $7 for a box of cereal and $15 for detergent is normal
34. practice proper escalator etiquette (on the right, it’s an escalator; on the left, it’s a staircase)
35. fear sidewalk ATMs that will probably steal your bank account info
36. hate cash-only restaurants and bars
37. always ask “Is there a credit card minimum?”
38. never greet anyone who lives in your building
39. never, ever start conversation with someone in an elevator (and are afraid of those who do.. Bc they must not be from here)
40. think small talk with strangers is uncomfortable
41. begin to appreciate byob restaurants
42. fear walking over subway grates
43. think it’s normal that your corner store deli guy doesn’t stop his conversation on his bluetooth to ring you up
44. are not quite sure if your cab driver is addressing you or his bluetooth in some foreign language
45. still can’t figure out if a guy is gay or just a hipster
46. have your packages delivered to your corner deli
47. have mastered getting cab drivers to take you to Brooklyn (get in the cab first, close the door, then drop the “I’m going to Brooklyn” bomb… Because you know the law states they have to take you once you’re seated in the cab)
48. think an inter-borough relationship is practically a long-distance relationship
49. know how to boozy-brunch hardcore
50. have tried to unsuccessfully sneak more than 4 people into a cab
51. have had someone steal the cab you so-rightfully hailed yourself
52. are expected to online-date if you’re single
53. love anything that’s open 24-hours (pizza place, gyms, delis, mcdonalds, CVS)
54. have had a zipcar membership.. and used it only once
55. wonder when you will one day own non-Ikea furniture
56. think $1 pizza slices are disgusting.. But not when it’s 5am
57. find the nearest Starbucks when you desperately need a bathroom
58. yelp every restaurant before you go
59. think twice before going into a restaurant with a B displayed on its window
60. Have fallen asleep on the train at night and ended up in Coney Island or the Bronx… many times
61. take unmarked black cabs only under dire circumstances
62. have cabbed it to work after oversleeping.. on many occasions
63. avoid Times Square on New Year’s Eve at all costs
64. avoid Times Square on any day, actually
65. avoid going out in Manhattan during: Santacon, St Patricks Day, Puerto Rican Day parade..Or any large event with douchebaggery
66. avoid the West Village on Halloween
67. call Manhattan “the city”, the subway “the train”, anything north of the Bronx “upstate”
68. think the 6 train during rush hour is the worst experience ever
69. have been to Staten Island a few times.. But never left the ferry terminal
70. have mastered balancing on a crowded subway
71. have lost your sense of personal space
72. know exactly where to stand on the train platform to exit the train in front of the staircase at your destination
73. hate people who don’t remove their backpacks on the subway
74. have had frequent debates about which is the worst train… The R, the G, or the C?
75. think the J train must go to outer space bc you’ve never ever taken it.. And don’t know anyone who has
76. remember the W train
77. remember the Z train
78. hate taking the train at 3pm after school lets out
79. think all obese people must be tourists
80. eat bagels for breakfast… Like, almost everyday
81. know coffee from a deli is really coffee-flavored water
82. know who Dr. Zizmor is
83. appreciate Poetry in Motion
84. shop for groceries with your headphones on
85. have a large collection of recyclable grocery bags
86. know not to get into the empty subway car…. It’s empty for a reason (usually smelly homeless person.. could also be vomit, who knows)
87. are not phased by or scared of crazy people
88. hate the “WHAT TIME IS IT?… SHOWTIME!” breakdancing subway kids
89. Know exactly what stations in Manhattan get phone reception
90. don’t know how you ever got around NYC without a smart phone and google maps
91. have never had cable TV
92. are annoyed when you forget your headphones at home
93. know that you’ve had to hustle to live in NYC, but appreciate it made you a better person.
94. know that wherever life takes you, no city will ever compare to New York City.