9 New Year’s Resolutions For Lazy People
By Molly Oswaks
1. In 2013, you will text your mother at least every other day. Calling her on the phone takes such effort, all the forced chit chat is simply too much work for you! But she is your mother who loves and worries about your wellbeing. So just send her a text every so often. Hey Mom! I am alive and I want you to know it! And if she responds with some overly long description of the dinner she’s making for your father, or what she did in the garden over the weekend, you can just be like Sounds awesome! Love you!. It’s that easy.
2. In 2013, you will put those sneakers to use. I’m not asking you to commit to a weekly – or God forbid daily – gym regimen. Just put on your sneakers and then carry on about your business. If you do this enough, odds are you’ll end up running down the block, to or from somewhere, for one reason or another, and you know what? That seems like exercise to me! Then, when you go home and your brow is all beaded with sweat, you can tell your roommate Oh boy! I’m just wiped out from that workout. Your roommate will probably think you just got back from the gym or a brisk outdoor run, and that’s almost true. I won’t tell, if you won’t!
3. In 2013, you will cook more and order food off Seamless less. Cooking can mean removing the cardboard box and plastic wrapping from a frozen Amy’s entrée. There’s no shame in the microwaveable meal game.
4. In 2013, you will clear out your full voicemail box. You don’t even have to listen to the individual messages – your voicemail has been full for months, so it’s not like there’s anything in there that’s recent enough to be at all relevant – just delete delete delete.
5. In 2013, you will unsubscribe from all those pesky retail blast emails. Anthropologie, Groupon, J Crew, that real estate website that’s always sending out pictures of all the gorgeous lofts you can’t afford – scroll to the bottom of their emails and click Unsubscribe. It’s a small gesture, it takes literally seconds, and it’s something you’re always meaning to do. So just do it! You can deal with the free catalogs clogging your actual mailbox next year, darling.
6. In 2013, you will start sleeping above the top sheet, using only your duvet or quilt as covering when you sleep. This makes making the bed much easier, since it’s already halfway done. With a good deep tuck below the mattress, your top sheet will stay mostly in place through the week. This is just a handy hint from me to you.
7. In 2013, you will throw out all those alllllmost empty bottles of shampoo and conditioner that have collected around the perimeter of your shower/tub like some sort of sweet-smelling Maginot Line against split ends. It’ll be much easier to clean your bathroom – or, at the very least, maintain some semblance of bathroom cleanliness – with fewer obstacles in your way.
8. In 2013, you will remove all the too-small and too-dirty and too-tacky clothes from your closets and shelves and drawers and bring them to the closest Buffalo Exchange. Getting cash for cleaning out your closet is a beautiful, beautiful thing. And donating anything they don’t offer you money for is an even more beautiful gesture. What a kind person you are!
9. In 2013, you will forgive yourself for not sticking to all your New Year’s Resolutions. Times are tough, you’re doing the best you can. Be gentle with yourself.